I’m getting sick and tired of doing things that isn’t me. Because of this my sees me like I could never make it on my own. They have little trust in my ability to make my stand. They don’t really believe in what makes me “me.” It comes down also to the aura of my home, or should I say “my jail cell.” The aura is thick with washed up hopes and dreams, an aura so depress and angry that everyone is effected. Also in this place no one has any true respect for me. The only people who do have some respect me in this place are my parents. When me and one of my older sister didn’t live here there was some type of peace between us, but not enough to call it so. This isn’t a home if I have to be always on guard and ready for action. I’m currently finishing off school so I could work and leave this jail. I’m 21 now but I’ve been in this hell since 2. I’m been dying inside for long periods of time. I’m starting to get antsy about how I’m going to get out of here. I have a friend who told me to see my DMV, but I didn’t want to. Call it my ego, pride, whatever, but I want to leave being able to support myself.

On a side note I’ve been single for almost a year. I’m getting pretty lonely. I’ve tried online dating, but because of me being a bit judgemantal and impatient I almost broke a good friendship. I’m not going to do online dating again, unless in 2 and/or 3 years if I’m still single. I’m not talking about a relationship that’s mainly on sexual pleasure, but also for the emotional high. I would like to meet someone in my field, Graphic design, who would help my brain produce ejaculation and dopamine. I’m an emotional creature who drives on emotional pleasure and endless knowledge. I would really enjoy meeting someone who is compatible with my primal, emotion, and intellectual drive.

I view human as primal creatures with a second state most lifeforms don’t have, which is an intellectual drive. I like to cuddle and snuggle with someone I truly trust, up to the point a let my whole graund down, which isn’t easy. The perfect guy/girl for me is the one who I could completely shut down knowing I didn’t leave myself in the open to someone who could hurt me. Most people in society are in it for their primal drive to mate, But I’m in it for the primal drive to stay staff and stay alive. My primal need aren’t as important as my emotional needs. What I mean is not for someone to snuggle me in only emotional feedback, but to give me reasons to trust you beyond friendly trust. You can do whatever you want, just as long you show me you care and you’ll never betray me. Mind you I trust very easily, but I can stop trusting someone just as easily.

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Since I started my last quarter in AI I’ve slowly stop helping my dad at his job. He works part-time as a building super. I used to help him recycle and take out the trash. This quarter I haven’t anytime to help, since I’m doing internship and forcing on my schooling.

As the days goes by I started to miss helping him. Even thou the job was physically, and I would leave each day with my elbow, shoulder, and legs in pain. But it did help me having a keener eyes, faster thinking. Also when I was working it was also exerciser. On top of that it gave me time to think and some of my best ideas came to me as I worked. Even thou I complained about the work, saying I’m quieting, and even taking my sweet time on it. I’m really reality happy to have done it. At home, even thou I hate cleaning, it’s not because I don’t like cleaning, it’s really on the fact on how people treat me, at home, about it. When no one is bugging me about cleaning or anything else I would clean the day away. But there are awful habits in my home. For example: 1) people telling me to clean, but when I do start they want me to stop; 2) when I act reasonable and do what I have to do they want me to stop so I could pay attention to them. They complain on how my sleep habits. How I sleep too little and then on weekends on how I sleep too much. Make up your mind! I sleep almost 3 to 4 hours from Sunday to Thursday, because it’s only when everyone else is asleep I could get my work done. On Friday and Saturday I sleep the recommend hours of 7 to 8. Since it’s the only time I could catch up on my sleep. There’s a huge paradox in my home. Their view on me: I’m not famine, lazy, not organize, messy, don’t like to do anything, could never keep a job, gets too little/much sleep, is smart. Who I really am: somewhat famine, organize, lazy sometimes, I let things pail up sometimes but then clean in up, I do stuff (but they complain I don’t do anything right in their eyes), I can get a job, I can live on my own, I don’t get enough sleep because I have to work around them, is smart (something we agree on ^_^ )

To those who read this see it has a complain, it’s not. I’m just writing what’s on my mind.