I have a bad habit, that effects my every day life. An event happen and I control my bad habit for a few days (3 – 4 days). When I finally give into this habit I’m surprised at myself for lasting this long. But when I tell my sister, who is closes, to me she still points at how this is nothing and that I should just stop my bad habit in total. Then I tell my other sister, who now we have an okay relationship, and she does ok but leaves it at that. Then when I tell my “partner” my partner is over joy that I lasted this long holding back my bad habit. My partner goes as far as to tell me “great job, I’m proud of you, keep it up, I love you.”
Like the people who been in my life and have seen first hand when my bad habit started, have seen how out of control it can be, were the ones who did not supported me on this small victory and yet want me to change. The fact that I even lasted this long should be a great gem, because if shown that it’s important enough it could bloom into me stopping my bad habit completely. But there was no real support from the people I thought supported my every move. I supported them through it all, but they did not feel like I was worth having some recognition for something that effects my every day life. The only people who supported me when I told them the news were people who did not know the full story behind this habit or even cared. These very people are my good friends that I share my pain, my hopes, and dreams. And also my partner supported me, even when my partner currently can’t hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be okay, but at least my partner tries to show me the support I need to fight this battle, and that’s all I ever ask.
I was there to lean a ear and a shoulder when my sisters needed it, and usually they would take all their frustration out on me, verbally. But whenever I needed their helping hands to support me against my inner demons it seem like trying to get something from on empty shall. This is the reason why I don’t really let my own family into my thoughts and hopes, into my dreams and deciders. I fear they would just break them down, like many times before. Even though my sisters try to support me in a time where I seem like I need help financially, but that is something I don’t need their help in because that is something everyone has to face on their own since how would they learn how to go about the real world. And I don’t like using the term “real world” because it doesn’t exist.
For every move I make into hot water, into the unknown, the very people who tells me to go are the very ones holding me in chains saying no. No matter how much I try to get free, I am trap. But whenever I start to dream about my life in the unknown I glory at how magical it must be. How every day my life would have some purposes and I would make someone happy in every action I take. So I look for work I keep in mind that no matter what I would not tell my family about any good news until I’m sure it’s real and not something I dreamed.