Even though everything was good this morning and afternoon, but it is into the night that I’m starting to feel defeated. I’m trying to hang on, but it’s hard.
Well today after I got my state ID setup I went to Soho and got 2 pocket size sketchbooks, even though I shouldn’t have because I needed to save money. Yesterday and Wednesday really put my spirit in a bad mood. I tired everything from thinking about how many jobs I applied for, how next issue of my project is going to be awesome, buying a sketchbook, I even got myself 5 things of TicTacs. But just when I finally got myself up enough I quickly slim right down. I shouldn’t complain, I shouldn’t try so hard; I’m dealing with this all wrong. I have come to a decision to ask my internship for a shot at doing sales, at least I’ll have a well paying job to help me out. That way I don’t have to fit a 30 hour week into 3 days. If I was working 4 days a week it wouldn’t matter so much, but I’m not.
I admit I do surfer from bipolar disorder, but I always believe it’ll get better once I leave my home. Because the very people around me makes me feel worse. I’m at a point in my life I’m tempted to take the extra mile and maybe self medicate, which I know would make things worse. I shouldn’t be complaining because everyone feels stress at one point or another, but I live my own life as if I’m nothing. I had to escape into my own mind to be able to handle the outside world.
There are days I look into the medicine cabinet and hope I have enough control to not end it. I’m at my very limit. Funny how I always seem to survive for the next round of fire that comes my way. I had been at the very edge of my life and control where it took everything out of me to not end it. But there are days that are great, and then the days that makes me weak and not able to control everything inside. Yesterday for the first time since I’ve worked at my internship I have let people see me defeated. I had to lie to my coworkers that I was ok, when I knew I just wanted out. I’m trying to stay alive because I know I can do so much more, but it’s so hard when I lose control of my emotions.
The only reason I’m writing this here is because I’m so tried of holding everything inside and no one knowing about what’s wrong with me. I’m tempted to go to a therapist and that other thing, so they could put me on drugs. I’m so tired of feeling that I want to go numb. I’m just hoping that I don’t have to do that, because I want to be able to create wonderful creations. I truly don’t want to suffer, but I also don’t want to lose the very sanity that makes me who I am.
Writing and art is the only thing I truly have, and if I have to be put on drugs to finally feel numb my creativity will die. I’m so conflicted on whether or not to go numb or keep my sanity.