Lately I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Even thou I try to push myself to draw, design, and be a creator it’s currently being a bit hard. With what’s going at home I can’t focus much. Usually I would be able to create things for my enjoyment, but because of design school I find it hard to create something for myself instead for someone else. So now I’m currently suck. Now I like sketched out draft for a jewelry brand, just for practice.
I’m at least happy to restart my magazine. Even thou I’m not doing like before, where it’s all about me. I got a few friends to let me use some of their work. Also I won’t be doing most of the artwork, but mostly the writing for now. I will get back into my work flow soon enough.
This also is around the time where I’ve been listening to less music. So I guess I’m trying so hard to escape my emotions. What I mean by this is that most of my music brings out all my emotions, so I basically feel more with music. Also with music I don’t need to think much, and when I think a lot I lose focus of who I am because I begin to notice all my faults and everyone else around me.
I have a history of being bipolar and depress since my childhood. So when I think I over think and it leads me into a depression. With everything going on around me I been trying to block out everything, and it’s leading me to a dark path (again). At first I thought I needed to take a vacation from school, but turns out that because I’m suck in an unhealthy environment I could never truly take a vacation.
Here’s an interesting thing thou I’m in a relationship, and it’s going well. We meet online, and of course I made sure he was who he was. So everything is going great. We talked for a while and I found him to be perfect. But the down side he’s an army guy and currently doing an assignment in Turkey. The reason that these things upsets me is I need to save money to bring him home early so we could completely be in a fully true relationship. I don’t really mind much, it just gives me another reason I need a job. I have to admit I was always the settling type, well because I don’t want to be like my older siblings and their relationship problems. He’s more settle than me, and he has his own place. Also it’s away from the city, which is even better.
The fact my boyfriend has a place outside the city is behind wonder, because that’s what I’m really missing. I’m being driven to my breaking point, but soon enough I won’t have to worry about this.
Even though I should be worried about finding a job, I’m not. While because for one if I do what I love someone is bound to find me, also I know a few a ways to get in touch with people I want to work with. But I would like to finish my full portfolio and then apply everywhere.
Oh, because I have no way to legally be able to use Adobe I’m going to be doing most of my work using Corel software, which I got the legal way. I’m one of those who go after the best and legal things, instead of finding ways around it that could get me in trouble. I will admit I do have a illegal vision of Adobe CS6, but I’m not using it. That was only to be able to do school work at home, and just for fun. But I’m using Corel, so that way I don’t get in trouble for anything.
I have to admit Corel is a pit more harder for me, since I got used to Adobe, but I’m not saying I can’t work with it. I love the fact it’s hard, because it not only gives me a challenge to do what I want, but also gives me a reason to play around with the software. I love getting my hands on software that I have no idea how it works, because it’s a trill to play with it. It’s like a digital puzzle that I want to solve without up, and also as I solve that puzzle I find tools I can use for any project. Some people go right into learning how to create something with the software by using videos or reading about it. The software is my playground. I need to play with the software to understand, and I won’t be able to use a software if I go to other sources before I touch the software. To me it’s like going through New York City. I’ve lived in this city since I was 2, and I know almost nothing about it, and whenever I find a new place or walk though Time Square I’m amazed at the city I love in.
It’s exciting to play around with new software because it’s exciting to find new things and how to do different things. Also when I find short cuts that’s even more exciting. To me software is really a nice toy, that also is used as a tool. Like when you let a baby play around with a brunch of shiny tools from the father’s and/or mother’s toolbox. To the baby it’s all shiny tools, but the parents know what they’re really used for. And when the child sees what they’re purpose are the child would then try to copy and might even use that same tool better than the parents.
Because of my love for playing with software in high school my computer teacher showed me a software called “Google SketchUp.” He also showed me this software because of my love for organizing and prefect lines. So I’ve played with it and to the point I could do almost anything, but of course there are people better than me in 3D modeling, but I don’t care. My point is that, to my knowledge, I was the only Graphic Design student, at Art Institute of NYC, that heard and knew the software. So I helped out a few Fashion Design students with their SketchUp project. Of course my school at the time had “Interior Design” students, but they weren’t there at times, and they were the ones who was the only group of students who knew SketchUp well and better than me.
But either way I have to get back my flow, and work on stuff that I enjoy.