I do have a great goal and it does involve money. My money goal is to reach about $1500 by December 24, I have marked that day as my “get out of hell” day.
I’m going to have to pull out all the stops to be able to pull off something this big. I don’t really get paid much ($8 an hour). Even though I should be getting more, and plus there’s two other employees that recently got hired for design positions. It does sicken me, but I have try to push out all those negativity out of my system, but my other self “she” is not letting me.
I’m a nice soul, I’m a good person, I am not my sisters! But when I do see people getting things that I should be getting it does tick me off, and yet I try to get ahead the nice way. Of course my workaholic personality is recognized a lot and people do admire it, but sometimes I do feel it gets me behind on some places. I’m not in search of people respect and admiration, it’s too easy to obtain, what I really want can somewhat be said to be more devises, which I don’t mind. I’m not trying to kill myself giving off nothing but hard work and kindness to come out empty. Even though this world shows that these things can bring you what you want, but also being able to stand up for yourself is also something a person needs.
All this time I let people walk all over me, to the point where I have lost faith in myself, and yet I’m afraid to take action because I might hurt someone else. I don’t want to burn bridges and yet I don’t want to come off losing. I know how to get to the top without losing my soul, but it comes at the cost of other people emotions. It angers me to the point where I’m trap in either taking someone down or let them walk pass me. Sometimes when I do what is needed to be done I do get a sense of joy, but what cost if I have hurt another human being.
I lived my life hiding behind a mask, just to give off the fact that I’m helplessly will give my kindness up. I have long been in the shadows of others to where the very sight of humanity sickens me. I have for years felt a discus about the very human existence to the point I’ve hated myself for being human. Even though on the outside I’m the nicest person it’s my true nature that wants to bring everything that gets in my way to its downfall.
I’m not a horrible person, heck even if I was I wouldn’t be the worst. Emotions, primal desires, anything that reminds me of humanity makes me sick. I’m not a twisted fucker, nor am I a psychotic case, but what I am is just a shadow walking through this plane as just, and what I see makes me sick to be called human.
But no matter, life goes on and I must force this part of me back to the back of my mind. I must again chock my core into submission to walk among the living. I must again become numb inside to be able to make a living. I must not hate, I must forget, I must FORGET!!
I have no choice but to forget who I truly am, I’m not going back to the nightmares. I’m not going back to where I have saw everything is below me. I’m not going back to where I knew my future would either be an asylum or death. I’m not going back that road where I’m just cold inside and everywhere I look is just darkness and blood. Even though I had times where I was happiest seeing blood all around me, in a dark room. But I need to put it all behind me. I have a future to look forward to, where I’ll have someone to make me feel happy. But why does it feel I must go back to get ahead. I don’t want my partner to see the coldness within. So I must again go numb, I must forget what I am. I MUST FORGET WHAT I AM!!!