Oh great I’m starting to settle on these feelings, it’s too the point I feel different around some people. like I can’t do what I always do, because it starting to feel awkward behaving that way.
funny how much my opinions on some things have change. like my type of guy, as a whole. like if i was to be in a relationship again i didn’t wanted to be with someone who drinks, smokes, or anything that is bad for the body. yet i’m starting to see that stuff doesn’t matter. when it comes to guys i always like guys taller than me, even better when they’re way taller than me; like nothing close to my height thou. also when it comes to age, but that opinion is always changing.
the point is that i’m starting to feel something that is so rare, and i really don’t want these feelings because i really don’t want to be hurt. i guess i can’t help it to fall prey to emotions like i always do. i try so hard to hide who i am because i don’t want to be hurt, and same time i don’t want to hurt anyone else. there’s a lot of people that i should say sorry to, because i haven’t been straight-forward with them and they don’t leave me alone. all i do is hide behind walls, too scared to face the outside world. it’s to the point where i really can’t hold myself together, and want to just break and do what i always wanted. but if i do will i still have friends after i commit a sin i’m burning to complete. i try so hard to be strong, not for myself but to protect everyone from me.
i sometimes don’t get how i have friends, when all i am is just a shell trying to fit into their world. we all have issues, and we all try to fight it alone. just sometimes when i have my moments the voices become stronger, the will to fight is weaken. i have inflicted damage onto myself to content myself from causing harm to others. i have tried to smile and enjoy, but with every great joy i express i’m pull into a great sadness/rage the next minute.what point of me to continuing to breathe.
i have moments where i’m left to myself and my thoughts and my hands always find themselves at my neck and putting on pressure. i’m sick, sick at looking at this world. yet i still get up everyday as if i can live on in a world i don’t belong.
but there are things in this world i love living for. the sky, trees. the energy i feel around great friends, and the joy of creating. so i can’t complain too much, but i have half/half of good and bad. i look forward to days that all i feel is bless, and i force through the hard (even when suicide and murder is screaming in my head).