I feel so hopeless

It’s not that I’m going back to my old ways

And trying so hard to have the other like me

But I’m not even sure if I’m ready

To accept these growing feelings

At that

I’m not even sure

What I would even call these feelings

I never felt them before

Throughout my existence

I have come to understand the emotions of

Pity and peer pressure

The emotions of doing things to please another

To act the role

Instead of truly being honest

It’s how I have gotten

Hurt, abused, used

Even made to feel how I was complete nothing

My family already made me feel

As if my very body wasn’t even my to claim

To constantly be surrounded by the screams

Of how I was nothing more than a disease

How everything I touch should be burned

Constantly made to feel that

Just asking for a hug or any form of affection

Always had a price

A hug from my family

Came at the price of my sanity

A hug from a stranger

Came at the price of them using my body

For their pleasure

I have lost people

I thought were friends

And understood me

All because they couldn’t claim my flesh

After 3 years of ending one cycle

I don’t know if

I’m ready to fully accept

Someone into my life

I finally cut the abusive cycle of family

And now I am growing

To heal all the trauma

They have caused

But I’m not sure if I’m ready

To share my heart with someone

Even more with knowing

Once I care I would do absolutely anything

To keep that person by my side

It’s always the fact

That I give my all

To the people I care about

And yet

Why am I fighting it

Especially with how happy I become

After no longer being angry

With the people around me

After no longer

Feeling as if I don’t deserve anything

After finally stating

I need to take that huge step forward

Why am I scared

Can it be that

I’m terrified

That once I start giving my all

I will be left all alone again

Maybe it’s just time

I completely forget my past

And look at everything

With different eyes

Who knows

Maybe I’ll be able to

Express everything I am

And not only will I enjoy every moment

But so will they.