This is from a gender questionnaire I answered.

…

• How do I define gender? What does gender mean to me?

Gender is a energy we all have. It’s like colors. Energy and colors changes through life and seasons. We can be one color or many, and we can be different shades of a color.

• What are my first memories of learning about gender?

At four years old constantly being told to stop acting like a boy and be a girl. I’m not allowed to like blue. That I had to like pink because I was a girl. I needed to like dressing up and being pretty.

• How am I expected to behave because of my gender? How do I feel about these expectations?

Hide my body. I should be wearing makeup that showcase my “beauty”. Be dumb and quiet. Not to curse so much. I have to dress a certain way and be always presentable for others.

I hate it. No room to explore what I enjoy. Tired of hearing how I need to be perfect for other people. Exhausted to get dress. Self hating my own body because it’s all anyone sees.

• How many genders do I believe there are?

Infinite

• What qualities and traits do I associate with women, men, and nonbinary individuals?

Orange, browns

Red, greens

Gray

• What do I consider “masculinity”? What do I consider “femininity”?

Saturated

Bright

• Do I believe in the gender binary? Why or why not?

Not really. Everyone is different just like nature. If there truly was a binary then everything would be the same and lifeless.

• How would I describe my gender if I couldn’t use words like “girl,” “boy,” “woman,” “man,” “female,” “male,” “feminine,” or “masculine”? (Consider colors, textures, inanimate objects, experiences, etc.)

Peach, green, autumn leaves, flour, tree, soil, bright colors, plaid

• When I hear other people describe their gender experience, does anything in particular resonate with me, or feel comfortable and settled in my body?

I don’t feel alone when it’s someone who’s non-binary and/or trans. When it’s female or male I feel frustrated and isolated because I feel like the outsiders and different. As if I don’t fit or understood.

• When I hear other people describe their gender experience, does anything in particular not resonate with me, or feel uncomfortable and unsettled in my body?

Most of the time it makes me hate my own body more.

• What is most scary to me when I consider my shifting gender identity? What is most exciting?

Surgery and healing my body will have to go through. Especially changes to how people close to me view me. Mainly scared of hospitals.

Being able to look in a mirror and recognize myself. Wearing closes that makes me feel better about who I am and not being held back with how others see me.

• Do I believe in gender socialization?

Heavily. If it wasn’t: a lot of problems in how people express themselves or getting treated for life threatening issues wouldn’t matter.

• How do I feel when I witness someone perpetuating the gender binary or cissexism? What ways do I perpetuate the gender binary or engage in cissexism? How does that make me feel?

Horrible. I try not to or just avoid the person altogether. Like I was hit by a truck.

• Are there any parts of my body that I have learned are gendered that I feel connected to or disconnected from? What do I think that means?

My chest and back side. Because they are large it makes me an easy target for abuse. Both physically and mentally. And when even I was a child a lot of pressure was put on the fact I have a chest and should always be covered. Not to mention being raped.

Sometimes I feel a connection with my chest but no matter what I wish it was gone. Or at least small enough that I can hid whenever I don’t want to deal with that part of my gender.

• How do my different identity markers (e.g. race, sexual orientation, ability, body size/shape, class status, etc.) influence or interact with my experience of gender?

I’m Hispanic, plus size, large chest, and (if just me) poor. So I’m expected to use my “looks” to get me by. I’m also automatically judged that I’m rude and uncultured and dumb before I even get a chance.

Even within family I’m seen as a lesser person.

• If my gender is ever misidentified (e.g. someone assumes my pronouns; someone refers to me as “sir” or “ma’am”), how does that make me feel? What comes up in my body?

It makes me overwhelmed with joy when someone refers me in male presenting pronouns. It’s a huge complement when someone says I look like a man.

Until they see I have a large chest and correct themselves. Which is always disappointing.

• What would a world look like without gender?

Free. Happy.

• Does gender matter? Why, why not?

If it didn’t things as gender therapy and categorizing diseases by gender wouldn’t exist.