Let’s sit down for a moment and look at what we’ve done

We stare at the ticking clock and wish the time would just stop

We sit and act like everything is fine

We’re under a heavy psychosis but don’t want to admit what is wrong

We can’t admit that it’s hard to breathe and just say we’re fine

We write about something we can control and about people we so much want to be

We try to avoid anything that has to do with us because we don’t feel important

Then the rage begins and accuses others of not bending to our will

We bend backward and forward to make others smile

We blackout and hope no one notices

We try to stay smiling and just numb the pain

When this over we hope that we can look back and be happy

But what is there to be happy about

We scar ourselves and wish it was just over

We don’t sleep but crash

When we wake we don’t who we are

The world around us becomes a blur and it’s like we don’t know where we are

We wake scared because we can’t remember

We’re in a body that we have no idea we got here

We want to scream but we have no voice

The voices went away but replaced with blackouts

We shut down for our own safety? We’re not even sure

Can’t even look at a friend or “family member” without questioning what they really think of me

We want to get away

They hate us

They lie when saying they need us

They would do just fine without us

We want to react but we just crawl inside

We try to stay still

Can’t risk reaching out for an escape

Can’t risk reaching for the pill bottles that we stock up

They’re supposed to help us but we just forget to take them

We try to keep them out of our sight

We don’t want to admit that we’re broken

We’re bleeding

We hate our body

Nothing but shame and guilt

We blackout in the streets

We underlining trying to die but our consciousness is trying to keep us alive

We should contact that hotline

We should tell our therapist

We should tell someone

But they won’t understand

Being told over and over that it’s all in our heads and we shouldn’t feel this way

Repeatedly told that there’s others that have it much worse and that what I have is nothing

Repeatedly how lucky we have it and how everyone is doing so much for us

Everyone would be better off if we just disappeared

We can’t look at a mirror without all our faults

People say how beautiful and smart we are

But we’re not

They don’t see this imperfect skin

They don’t get that they could have looked for the information themselves

They’re lazy

They’re trying to give us a purpose but it’s too late

What purpose do we even have

We finally wrote that book

We finally started doing that we once promise ourselves to do

But it’s for nothing

We should break everything we have

Burn it all down

We don’t deserve it

Money wasted on a stupid dream

We’ll never be good enough because we’ll just go back to the start

Those weights will never leave

We’re stuck here

Till we just end it

Nobody is going to miss us

Everyone has to die one day

They’ll get over us leaving

But then we’ll leave debt behind

We’ll leave those we love

Do we even love

That’s a stupid meaningless word

Everyone just leaves us

We’re not even worth being with someone

We’re better off alone

Where it’s quiet and nobody can bug us

We’re in pain but it’s nothing compared to everyone else

We’re a meaningless waking bag of meat

We’re better at being food to the earth

We’ll become useful when we die and they can save others with our organs

It’ll be the only time we really would be useful to someone

Because alive …

… We’re Worthless

 

……………………………………

I was crying as I wrote this. Currently just going through one of my down episodes and wanted to get it out before it drives me crazy. It’s hard to cope and it’s hard to talk about it. Sorry that I’m sharing this on a public forum. But it’s the only place I have to where if I do finally end it, at least I shared my final thoughts leading to the day.