Whenever I think about money, I get so depressed. The subject just gets me so frustrated. And when I try to figure out ways to earn or fix my money problems I end up abandoning those projects. I get so angry and thoughts how they won’t work. And I even become so stressed to the point that I can’t work.

Thoughts of money trigger memories of my family repeatedly pressuring me to make money at any cost. Hance taking on jobs that overwhelm me easily and send me into a panicking. Like my intern at the DMV in New York City. Especially my last job at a call center that sent me into not only daily panic attacks but a deep depression and heavily suicidal.

Memories how whenever I did have money it wasn’t mine to use. They took everything from me and made me feel ashamed for even trying to take care of myself. As I’m writing this I am in tears.

Throughout my whole upbringing, I was told what I wanted was too expensive. Even when it was simple clothing. Also, the constant reminder that I owe my very existence to them and I was practically their slave. They repeated this to me and made me believe my worth was nothing.

To hear my whole life, by the people who supposedly loved me, that I was just a burden. That I had to make money so I could pay them back. my worth was beneath them. So, what’s better than ending myself and stopping being a burden to them? But even in death, I would have been a burden.

Growing up, all I dreamt about was how everyone would be if I died. How mom and my older sister would no longer have to care for me. How dad would no longer have to look at me. How my other two siblings no longer had to pretend to love me. How my nieces would have space.

Thoughts how nobody would miss me. No longer being passed onto other family members whenever they don’t want to deal with me. How happy everyone would be to not find a babysitter for me, while they go on family vacations. Having more space because I’m no longer there. How happy everyone gets to live their lives, instead of dealing with the ungrateful-problem child.

I was nothing more than a walking trash bin. I tried so hard and for so long to get them to see my worth. I tried so hard to be part of a family that just didn’t want me. But now that I’m finally away from those people. At that, I found a group of people who feels like the family I always wished for. Even though I have a long way to build my self-worth, I’m at least happy to feel a sense of safety.

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I created a linktree for my other blog/vlog sites. It also houses my cashapp/tip jar. [Link]