Something that I been fighting with is the whole concept of reproduction or commonly knowns as sex. It’s not that I don’t enjoy sex to some degree, but it’s bizarre to me. It’s a concept that makes me question a lot about myself.

Like why do I feel talking about it can be so awkward. Or even hearing others speak of their experience can be so stressful. I enjoy listening to the stories, mostly because of how expressing themselves as they talk. But the topic itself is weird. Even writing about the subject, in my work, is awkwardly stressful. Mostly because trying to speak the action without getting technical is hard.

I sometimes even roughly write it and quickly move on to the next thing. I eventually come back to it and figure out how to go about it. But I could never go straight through. Sometimes I just hint at what the characters are going to do and jump into what came after. Even when reading other people’s works, I skim through those scenes.

My favorite thing to write and read are usually the super emotional parts. I love a touching scene where the character pours their very soul into their actions. Someone once commented that in my fanfic, I write Goku very emotional. They even said how they found that weird, but they liked it. I just can’t help it. Everything seems dull and dry when there are no emotions. Sometimes I read stuff full of sexual content but lack any feelings, which puts me off from continuing reading.

As I’m writing my second book, I question if I’m doing enough. Well, because as I’m writing, I’m getting angry with myself. I even confused about the gender of my characters due to how emotional I write them. Should a male be so openly sensitive? In my opinion, they should be able to express themselves however they want. But will people understand it? Luckily, some people that I know read my book commented that the only thing they wish was that the book was longer. Even people who read my fanfic enjoy my writing style. Even when my characters, plus the fanfic characters, are pouring their souls out.

This then begs the question of how I view sex as a whole and relationships. Sex is something I can comfortably live without. But I would love to be in a relationship that’s built on an emotional connection. Like the whole fact, the person is there and enjoy each other’s company. Maybe read a book next to them or play video games while they’re in the room. Just feeling that they’re there would be fantastic. Also, the idea of holding hands is beautiful and watching movies together.

I can be emotionally distant a lot of times, but they’ll know how much it means to me that they’re still next to me. And when I do become emotional, they’ll know that I just need a simple hug to remind me everything is ok. They’ll be my best friend, and I’ll be there’s.