I’m trapped

I look in a mirror and don’t recognize who’s looking back

I look down and become reminded of a part of me

That I just want to rip away

I feel something crawling under the flesh to this body

Is this really me

Even if I change will I still look into that mirror

And not see me

I don’t see me

I don’t even know who I am

Poison with the notion of what I been told

My name, my age, my gender, my role

Emotionally disturbed or just being a girl

When people see me

They don’t

They already judging me by the way I look

Female, big,

Doesn’t understand if she just smiles and try to look nice

Doll up

Be more of a girl

You’re so beautiful, if only you take care of yourself

I repeat those words over and over

But the moment I look in the mirror

I don’t see what they see

I see someone trying to be something

And not understanding who they are

Told over and over why are you the way you are

You are alone in this world

Your friends aren’t forever

Can’t trust anyone because everyone has a reason

There is no such thing as a friend

Keep telling yourself this

Keep pushing away

Keep hiding the pain

Learn to smile

Learn to tell everyone what they want to hear

Avoid that mirror

Avoid the problems

Shut down and hope the yelling will stop

You’re trapped

Nowhere else to go

That pill bottle starts looking like your best friend

Time to end the lies

Wall into that freeway

Jump off that cliff

Even if you end up waking up the next day

With the same people surrounding you

Crying and asking why

But the only answer you have is just another lie

Calm yourself the problem

How you’re the burden

The dead weight

The extra mouth they don’t need to feed

Another person that doesn’t need to breathe

You’re trap in that bed

Force to take pills

Forced to speak

But everyone that comes out your mouth

Is the broken record you repeat to every therapist

You know they won’t understand

Your anger

Your pain

The reason you hate yourself more than anything

The reason you can’t breathe

You’re coughing on the lies you been told and then repeat to yourself

So deep in the hole you don’t know how to get out

But when you try

It doesn’t feel right either

You try to react instead of close

And you apologize for even trying

Then they tell you to pray

Find a god

But they have not realize

You had given up on believing that unknow force

You have tried finding a new light

But even that had failed you

You’re at the point where you’re scared to continue medication

Scared to tip toe just slightly over the edge

They want me to fly

But my wings were ripped off long ago

Then try to make friends that share my interest and not feeling I belong

Opening up to a part of me and feeling I don’t belong to that either because I do not look the part

I’m done hoping

I’m done breathing

But I’m still trying

I rather something else kill me than myself