I think being home for so long is finally getting to me, plus other things. I was always a home type person and rarely went out. It’s that I have a few other problems now. Let me explain.

It’s very hard for me to pick up new things. This is due to anxiety and my attention level for things. I had a few professional evaluations where I have been diagnose with borderline personality and bipolar disorder. I have high level of anxiety and it is difficult to do things outside of my comfort zone. Since late of 2018 I started to take my mental and emotional health serious and I have been doing fair. But it has not stopped my challenges, just helping me cope better.

Early last year I finally open myself up to how I truly feel and it’s a lot to deal with. For the longest I have issues of letting go and changing. I finally gave up the lie that I am sexually attracted to men and cut all ties with that part of myself. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. But it now gave me another set of problems.

I am not a social person. I do not go clubbing or any outgoing activities. I do not know how to approach people. And so, it’s extremely difficult to make new friends and be part of any community without feeling like I don’t belong. I would try and try but always feel like I’m a bother. I have many associates and people I could go to, but I become overly nervous and scared to even start a conversation.

The few friends I do have a constant communication with encourage me to put myself out there and be more confident. Even more family encourage me to be more confident in my craft and promote my work. I am trying to better myself and learn to love myself, but even that is hard.

I’m running out of fuel for what I want. I’m running out of creative fuel as well. Even though I mainly stand home, I did go out on a rare chance. So, I did experience things and learned more about myself. I haven’t even read anything new because I don’t want to accidently copy another persons hard work. I also don’t want to recycle certain scenes from my own work either.

I’m running dry. I also am having a hard problem of expressing many things. I find it so weird and embarrassing how easily open many people I know can talk about their sex life. I don’t get why I find it embarrassing. at one point in my life I thought the concept of sex was a very personal and spiritual connection with another person. But I’m not even sure anymore.

Maybe it’s just me. I grew up with concepts of how I should stay as pure as possible. Like: not drinking, no dying my hair, no tattoos, sex after marriage, no piecing. As I grew up slowly those beliefs started to fade. Learning that those things doesn’t make a person pure or even their soul.

As I slowly break down those beliefs I became happier. I had never truly believed in religion or even a god. I did come to terms that everything is connected and there’s a thing called being spiritually. I learned where my personality lands me, and that I have a lot of pent-up emotions. I have a lot of things that I need to resolve, but it’s so hard.

I keep telling myself one day I’ll get there, but what if I’m lying to myself. I could be lying to myself because I’m afraid to let go. I don’t feel I have a safe place to express everything I have inside, other than writing or drawing. But even that is limited and doesn’t really help.

What am I supposed to do? Say hi to random people and hope a conversation starts. Or actually open myself to people I would like to get to know. I’m afraid of being vulnerable and taken advantage again. I’m afraid of being abandon after I put so much into someone. It’s the reason I can’t have friends. The moment I feel everything is going fine I push away. It’s extremely hard to not push away when something seems so perfect. I have ended friendships and protentional relationships because of this.

I have constantly talked myself out of becoming friends with someone, I thought is cool, because I’m afraid of messing everything up. I have join online communities only to become a ghost in them, because I don’t feel like I belong nor know how to properly communicate. As I’m writing this I am becoming extremely emotional and on the verge of tears.

Do you know what it is to want to just cuddle with someone and not feel like I’m annoying them? I don’t even know. Because every time I try I get scare and run the other way. On multiple occasions I have given up on looking for a partner because I don’t feel worth the effort. I don’t even feel like my work is good enough to be publish or shown to anyone. My self-confidence is so low that I’m surprise that I’m still breathing and have reached the age of 27.

Throughout my whole life I have had many close calls committing suicide because of how worthless and pathetic I feel. I have burned myself, mindlessly walked into traffic, had looked at pill bottles questioning how much I needed to kill myself and no way of coming back. I had plotted my death enough times that I had to throw away my anti-depressants and anxiety medication because I don’t trust myself. I hide knives from my family because I was going to use them to kill myself. I have written endless poems how I imagine the pain and peace I will go through when I finally kill myself.

The fact I am posting this on a public form is not because I am crying for help, but to let people know how badly I want to die, but more importantly How strong I am to push through and stay alive. I am willing to admit the level of self-loathing I go through but still try to keep breathing says a lot about me. I admire people who gone through suicidal attempts and are still alive. I admire those who find that grain of hope to still live. I even admire those who had kill themselves, because that also takes a lot. IT TAKES A LOT TO BACK AWAY FROM KILLING YOURSELF BUT IT ALSO TAKES A LOT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT. Sometimes I call myself a coward for being too scared to kill myself.

The fuck up shit is I just want to feel secure. I just want a place or a person to make me feel like I’m secure. A person to be there to just hold me while I’m fighting all these thoughts and that doesn’t leave every time I try to push them away. That’s why I have a ok relationship with one of my sisters and her daughter. She’s not the heavily emotional type or likes hugs, but is the only one I think about when I go through something. And in my moments of need she helps, not all the time the way I want but she’s there. It’s during my absolute worse she would actually allow me to hug her, and hugs me back.

I have friends that somehow are still my friends, even when I push away. But what I’m looking for no one could really give me. I have to find it in myself, but that’s so hard to do. It’s a lot to ask for someone to hold me when I cry, to remind me to relax, to be more lose and random instead of uptight and trying to control everything, to remind me that I’m human and how I feel is good regardless if the emotion hurts, and to just be there when I also have my good days to make them even better.

I’m human and carry a lot of weight with me. Medication isn’t always the answer. Having a partner could do so much. Supportive family and friends could do so much. What really matters and needs to change is something within. I have been trying for the past year and a half to unload everything and I am slowly. I would like to one day look back at this post and see all the pain I felt and be happy at how much I grew.

For most of this post I have been emotional and fighting my tears. I was even debating on publishing this post, but I am. Just have to let myself out and let the universe see that I’m trying. Just that I’m just asking for a little push in the right direction.