As I’m getting closer to starting HRT the more it’s sinking in things that should have been clear signs I was trans. Signs that pointed out if I had the knowledge and privilege to start transitioning I would have begun before puberty.

I have written blogs about my childhood dream of having a gender pill all so I and people like me could be their real self. I have always told friends that I trusted that I was simply a male in a female body. It was difficult to play a role I could never be.

So, finally, after so many years of believing I would die as a lie instead of being myself. Before the year is over I will be starting testosterone. I will be officially going through my medical transition. Better yet, I’ll finally go through the kind of puberty I should had all along.

I’m excited beyond belief. Especially since I’m no longer living a lie. Sure, it would be as quick as a science fiction medicine, but it’s the best kind of reality. I’ll be able to be comfortable in my own skin for once. Plus, finally see my reflection without wanting to punch the mirror.

Of course I do have some expectations and goals. And I even would if I’ll have the same side effects of my sci-fic pills. Let me explain.

Side effects I am expecting, based on science and my childhood dreams.

1) All sorts of aches and pains. Especially anything to do with bones and muscles. So, around my spine, hips, shoulders, and maybe ankles.

2) Having similar symptoms of a high fever. I believe for female biology it’ll be the symptoms of going through menopause. Such as an elevated body temperature.

3) I’m not expecting to be irritable during the first few weeks, but many cases say it’s possible. I already suffer from unstable moods. So, I’m hoping it’ll won’t be unreasonable difficult.

4) Because my hormones are adjusting I expect most of my aches will be due to what is typical of growing pains. And also due to my body being slowing down on producing estrogen. Along with certain body parts growing. Such as the reason a person’s voice changes and seems a few centimeters taller.

I look forward to my body mass changing. It’ll help greatly with my other health goals. I already stuffed from symptoms of females having higher than normal testosterone. Such as growing hair in uncommon places, my natural odor, irregular menstrual cycles, general body features.

In essence I was born male. An associate even pointed at the fact if I don’t have PCOS I could easily be intersex, with how my biology lines up. At best, I had all the markers I was male, but doctors used my genitalia to assign me female. It doesn’t help that only in puberty that my second female characteristics came in and my self-loathing multiplied by 10.

So, for me, personally, being able to transition is much deeper than simply mentally and emotionally being male. My female characteristics makes it incredibly difficult for me to live a physically healthy life.

For example: when I do, at the rare times, I get my period I become extremely fatigued. I have been diagnosed as anemic due to high level of blood lost. It’s so bad that I have to fight off fainting in public. And when I’m finally getting my health in order no amount of nutrition is able to keep me stable.

One would think due to my abusive upbringing and weight is why I can’t maintain a healthy diet and workout. There is so much diet and therapy can do. But it all means nothing if I’m not able to physically move without dealing with my body not being able take the nutrition I give it to make energy.

Mentally I know what it takes to lose and keep the weight off. Same way I know what foods will give me the nutrition I need to keep moving. But again it means nothing when my body is against me.

In my case, I stuffer a great deal of health problems. Especially because of my own biology, on top of my upbringing. I have been pushed to my limit and past that. So, for me transitioning isn’t just to be the guy I always knew I was, but also to finally be healthy.

I look forward to having that boost of energy while doing HRT. Mostly because my body won’t be fighting itself. I look forward to no long suffering from extreme hunger pains.

My hunger pains are severe migraines and all over body aches. During this year where I’m finally eating a healthy amount of food and a proper diet I still get hunger pains. Another symptom of my body fighting itself.

I look forward no longer having hips. Since that body fat will start gathering around my abdomen. Which is a much easier area to workout. (In my opinion). I even look forward to no hating my voice.

Something I truly look forward to is no longer suffering from fatigue, hunger, and my bones hurting. Sure, I’m expecting my body to hurt during my transition but that’s expected of change.

My bones are already weak due to constantly being bent and pressured to its limits from all the shit I was forced to do. And I’m grateful for finally getting a year of rest. So now, as I step into my next book of my life, I’ll take better care of myself.