The more in-depth I heal in therapy the more I’m trying to figure out things. I’m still defending my mom for all she’s done. Because I’m still excusing her for the emotional neglect and abuse. But same time I’m still stating how she’s a product of her own trauma and marriage dynamic.

Yet, those small moments were she has been for me won’t equal all the bad. And as I speak about her I keep bringing up how a lot comes down to my dad. He was very religious and controlling.

From how he controls the finances, what everyone is allowed to do. He’s also very physically aggressive and manipulative. I see now where my siblings learned that anger is the only acceptable emotion. Even more when it’s violent.

Because of dad’s controlling everything it breed a deep fear in all of us females. From my mother to my 2 sisters and even myself growing up. Probably why the eldest, my brother, got away with everything.

There was no punishment when my brother got physically abusive with me or my sisters. I blame mom for not saving me from whenever my dad or brother beat me. I been so angry with a person who was just so powerless in that situation.

I kept blaming the woman who took on raising me because she wasn’t there for me. How could she when she wasn’t even able to do anything. Of course she wouldn’t know what to do with me when I was so different from my sisters. I know realize, as I’m writing this, that mom simply wasn’t able to be emotionally there when her own husband terrifies her. And that her own childhood trauma doesn’t help.

I’m no longer angry with her. Now, as my head is clearing and getting through my personal trauma, I now realize why I have such an uncomfortable relationship with my father. He’s so unpredictable and has even taken financial advantage of me. Every time I think of him a deep sense of fear comes up.

The fear of whenever we talked god was the center of many conversations. How I had to respect and love him because he was my dad. How any small mistake was met with violence. How every time I had a breakdown he would yell at me.

Leslie is so much like dad. But even she’s a victim to his cruelty. Now I wonder if he helped me get through college financially because of the fact he would have something to hold over my head. As I got older it did get difficult for him to get me to do things I didn’t want to. At that, he always had some scheme to get whatever he wanted.

I don’t know what to do now. All I do know is that the more I get into it the more I realize some of my triggers. Like how I go into panic mode whenever I hear a male scream violently. Even worse when they’re physically moving around. I become a child in those moments wondering why dad or brother is angry, and if I’m going to get beaten.

Or how stressful shopping in big stores, like Costco, because of the trauma I’ve dealt with by both my parents. Let alone who overstimulated I would get and my parents would always get angry with me. They hated taking me anywhere. They made me feel so unloved and unwanted.