Yesterday something came up and was not in the mood to post. Sorry about that. Also, I got rid of the order I’m posting prompts and just posting whatever.

Yesterday I finally told my therapist a few things about me. I finally openly admitted to a professional about something I been struggling with. I confused about my struggle with my gender. For years, since childhood, I felt trapped in my body. I didn’t feel like I fell into the category of being a girl. I didn’t really like my body and how people saw that I was a female. Telling me things about that I need to behave like the gender I was born with.

I hated, and still to a great extent, hate my body. I hate the parts of me that makes it easy to identify what gender I’m physically. It wasn’t until after high school that I told my family I saw myself as both. They were very supportive, but they still have the habit of telling me to be more lady like. I was still at the time trying to find myself and figure out what exactly am I. This is when I openly told my peers that I was openly bisexual. I also learned what was pansexual.

I was still not sure what I was. I still had the mentality that I was supposed to like boys only. But then learning it was ok to like girls if I liked both. This is when I had extreme low self-confidence and high insecurities. I got into relationships with males, because I wanted to feel something, that I didn’t feel for myself. I just wanted to feel loved. Which landed me in toxic relationships. I felt forced to behave a certain way because that’s how one show behave in a male/female relationship. I’m supposed to be the girl. Dress nice and letting the guy be the one in charged.

Yet my personality conflicted with that. Friends, to this day, can still say how I was the male in that relationship. I was aggressive and didn’t really care what anyone told my boyfriend. I went as far as to say I’ll beat him up too. I was known as a bully. Keep in mind I was bullied all my life up to this point. Another thing I hated about those relationships, I had to lie about how I felt. Pretending I wasn’t hurting inside.

In high school, I was extremely depressed and my anger kept growing. I also burned myself a lot. During this time, I did have plenty of female crushes, but didn’t act on them. When it came to females, I was just too scared and didn’t want to ruin friendships. Same can be said about college. But I felt very suppressed in my emotions, and not allowed to speak up. It’s still hard to this day.

During my time with male relationships all I felt was sickness and guilt. I could never be the type of girl who they would want. I would blame myself for everything. All I’m good for is being used. All anyone would see me as is a girl. If I dress or behave a certain way, I’ll be look down on. It took my mom some time to finally stop telling me blue is a boys color. My sisters will still have moments where they encourage me to wear feminine clothing and makeup. They even say how much of a beautiful female I am. Even telling me to wear bright colors and dress more like a girl. At least they gave up on telling me to wear a dress.

I don’t hate it as much as did as a kid, but it still bugs me. I can’t even take a selfie without judging myself that I don’t look like a girl. So many times, I wanted to punch a mirror. All because I hated what I saw. Some days I can’t look at a mirror without getting angry at what I see. Somedays I’ll be ok and even compliment how much of a pretty girl I am. Or say how much of a handsome boy. But the mirrors that show past my showers I hate the most. It keeps reminding me with nobody will see me the way I see myself.

But there would be days where I’m ok at the fact I’m a female, and even “play” the part. Other days I’m so deep in self-loathing I want to just chop my breast away. But as I search the internet for some comfort, I found something that is the closes to how I feel. The term nonbinary. I can still be a girl but also a boy or non at all. It made me super happy that I found that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I have no problem with major gender reproductive organs. My only concern is my chest. After 2009, I gave up on the idea on the possibility of breast removal in honor to my birth-mother. But now I’m not sure. I’m currently making pants to build my way to getting a binder and being able to be any gender I feel. I could honor my mother in other ways. Like: keeping my name and/or (for only legal purposes) having the pronouns of she/her. To being able to come out and say this feels wonderful. Last year finally admitting I wasn’t attracted to men. Finally letting go of the lie I built felt amazing. To finally, and proudly say I love females, too a large weight off my shoulders. Then to officially announce to the world that I’M NOT FEMALE!

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Here is 2 pride art piece. Emma and Max, and Eric with Kensi. Plus, a recent pic of myself (just because). Was planning to let hair grow, to donate, but unsure. Might end up cutting and shaving the sides