I already knew I was going to depend on someone to help me while healing from surgery but it’s so frustrating. Especially when it comes to chores that I’m very particular with.

It’s more on the sense that my dishes aren’t being washed the way I like. For example there’s still pieces of food and nothing is truly clean. I can get over our different patterns of doing dishes, but it’s frustrating that it’s not being done right.

But at last, I have no choice but to rely on them to help me out. The lack of control is giving me major anxiety.

I’m grateful someone is helping me do things that would require me to lean or bend down. Such as caring for my cat and filling up the dishwasher. Even getting laundry done.

But having people in my space when I’m used to being alone is really getting to me. Especially when I do get depressed over the fact that I am alone and would like someone, like a partner. Yet it’s very complicated.

Currently I’m hiding in my bedroom from how overwhelmed I am. If I’m being like this with someone trying to help me during a time where I can’t stress myself, how would I be able to handle people just visiting or having a partner. Then again, I’ve always went to someone else’s home instead of having guest.

Most of the time it was due to my family situation. But now, it’s greatly due to me not having that many friends. Especially those who would willingly visit me. I truly am alone.

It makes me frustrated and irritated how I always go beyond my limitations for everyone else. From being the one who’s always starting the conversation. Always the one who visits them. I literally put 110% into all my relationships, both romantic and friendship. I never had anyone do the same for me.

And so I extremely disliking my current situation because if it wasn’t for the surgery, my old roommate wouldn’t be visiting me. Let alone trying to help me out. I truly do appreciate what’s she’s doing. But I have such a bad taste in my mouth that isn’t her fault.

This sort of topic is really embarrassing for me. It makes me feel ashamed and angry with myself for having such thoughts and emotions. I feel guilty for even wanting something so special. I also feel jealous towards those who have a special someone in their lives that isn’t taking advantage of them.

But in the end, I feel defeated and just keep reminding myself how these emotions are for nothing. Because currently I still don’t know how to be with a person without feeling certain things. I still struggle with pushing people away.

At least I’m learning, I guess.