Just wanna vent.

As much as I want to buy a new mattress next month, it’ll be super unreasonable for me to do so. Sure, my current mattress is pretty sunken in, but I can manage a little longer. But that’s not why it’ll be unreasonable to get a new mattress.

I currently won’t be able to change the mattress. From bring in the new mattress into my home and drag it to the bedroom. Then I will need to pick the old bed off the frame to add the new one. Afterwards, changing the sheets and then getting rid of the old mattress.

All of this is physically demanding and would put me in harms way, since I’m recovering from surgery.

But it sucks that when I finally have the funds to replace my mattress is during the time I’m not physically able to do anything. Yet, it would be so nice to sleep in a new bed after dealing with surgery. For goodness sake, the hospital bed was more comfortable than my current bed. Which says a lot.

I wonder if I’ll be allowed to sleep on my side after my first post surgery appointment. Since it’ll be two weeks since surgery. But I move a lot and don’t want to worry about accidentally sleeping on my stomach.

Either way, I wish I could change my mattress next month but imma just have to deal with what I got for now. Hopefully January I’ll be clear to do heavy lifting again. And if so I could buy a mattress then.

Besides, I would love to upgrade my bed in general. I want a queen mattress again. But because of my living situation from leaving NYC, I only had the option for a twin size mattress. It served its purpose and I’m grateful for it. My only issue is I’m too long for a twin, at least to fit comfortably.

Maybe it’s a good thing I can’t buy a mattress next month. It’ll give me a chance to afford a queen mattress and frame. Wouldn’t that be nice? To have a mattress big enough to fit me, some extra pillows, and even my cat. Instead of fighting for space on a twin mattress.

For goodness sake, on a twin my arms are either hanging out or cramped because I’m next to the wall. My legs also are difficult to accommodate. If I give my head and arms enough room then my feet are off the bed. But if I accommodate my legs everything else feels crushed. It all sucks.

The last time I slept in a twin size mattress was when I used to sleep under the stairs in my parents house. Then for a brief period I did enjoy finally having space with a queen bed when I moved in with one of my sisters. But I only was able to treasure it for small moments because I still slept in my parents house, since I was constantly on Leslie’s demand. Those of you who knows what I’m talking about, basically the joke was that she was my warden. Which is bullshit.

So, leaving NYC, it didn’t feel much of a downgrade. I was already accustomed to sleeping on the floor, a couch. It’s when I upgraded to a twin size bed I was beyond grateful. Finally a bed that didn’t come with conditions. Heck, I was even grateful to just sleep in a place where my only condition was that I had to focus on getting myself on my feet.

It felt nice to not have extreme rules and expectations placed on me, as a way to earn being allowed to live. And since I’m finally am in a position where I can upgrade my bed to a queen size, it’s very overwhelming.

It’s overwhelming for a few reasons. For starters, I will finally be comfortable to be able to rest well. I’m in a safe environment that I never thought would be possible. I’m able to freely consider my needs without serious consequences. If something breaks or someone is screaming, there’s nobody around that I’m trying to hide from. That part really gets me.

I’m sure I shared how I broke my first glass jar in my apartment and how happy it made me feel. I accidentally broke something and nobody was around to yell at me about how horrible I was. No one yelling at me about me being clumsy and not being careful. I actually started laughing when I didn’t hear screaming automatically after accidentally breaking that jar. I believe I posted how it felt like I really did move into my first apartment because of the fact I broke something.

It’s such a powerful feeling. And so thinking about getting myself a queen size mattress, instead of just replacing the twin, is making me feel giddy. It’s like the broken jar. Nobody is around to punish me if I get something that would help accommodate my needs.

I’m sure I mentioned plenty of times how I have sleep anxiety. Especially during my recovery from surgery my sleep anxiety keeps getting in my way. From the panic attacks after panic attacks that I lost sleep the first few nights back home from the hospital.

My anxiety, especially my trauma, has me constantly going in circles. Even when dealing with therapy, mindfulness groups, emotional support groups, hoarding support groups, not to mention the years of reading psychology books (especially when it comes to self help) I still struggle with my complex ptsd. Some days are better than others.

Sure my overall anxiety has greatly reduced enough because I finally learned the skills to communicate in a way that I can advocate for myself. Things that I should have learned years ago, but thanks to certain situations I never understand what I was going through. So, I’m grateful I at least am getting better at it now.

I still have a few major hurdles that are difficult to even bring up, but life is a work in progress. And thinking about getting an upgrade to my bed would be a nice goal to accomplish before I aim for another small goal. Hopefully once I get my new bed my sleep anxiety will improve some more.

My sleep anxiety isn’t has bad as it was in NYC, but it’s still bad to where it effects me greatly. Yet, just the thought of being able to sleep is giving me a good feeling for my future.