I think the biggest reasons that I don’t understand or know what emotion I’m feeling most of the time is not only because of the toxicity of my upbringing, but also because my default reaction to everything is anger. Then when I notice I’m angry I quickly try to change it to anything but that… Read More Rant 004
Don’t know why, but I have this deep urge to drink again. Even when I’m trying so hard to stay positive and remind myself it’ll be alright. But the desperate need to buy a bottle and drown is strong, and I don’t understand why I’m having the urge when I’m trying to be ok. I… Read More Rant 003
As I’m washing dishes my thoughts about the whole asking for a day type agreement within a relationship popped up. And as I’m picturing how I would explain myself in that conversation, a statement just stands out. “We’re adults and I’m very aware I’m not your first priority. I’m aware how easily I’ll become background… Read More Rant 002
Sometimes I wonder if the rose on the other side ever feels lonely. With how much I scream and shout, it will never hear me. The way this glass box surrounds me, I can feel the oxygen escaping my lungs. But there is no door or window for me to leave. The rose is just… Read More A Rose
I think I’m just still struggling with how nobody is going to help me. I have been crying for so long for help, but everyone keeps turning away from me. Especially the people who were supposed to be there for me. Like every time I’m struggling, I become a kid again, crying out for mom… Read More Silently Crying
It sucks being constantly reminded how you’re always in the wrong no matter how hard you try. You give it your all but it’s never enough. You’re constantly trying to be considerate of the other person. Constantly making sure you don’t mess up and become misunderstood. But the moment you slip for a brief second… Read More It hurts.
What sucks about psychology, especially when you study it to mask the pain, is that with all the help in the world it still comes down to how you go about your life. You can have the absolutely amazing support system but nothing will change if you don’t change. I’m struggling and I noticed I… Read More
As I’m jointing down my to do list for the next day I made an interesting self discovery. The way I talk about myself and others is very different. So much that I never once thought about it until today. I don’t refer to my anatomy the same way I refer other people. I can… Read More Gender Dysphasia
As I’m struggling to bring myself to buy new clothes, I’m constantly cycling back to the same argument. That either, I have plenty of clothes and that I should hold off until I lose weight and have my place. While the other side of the argument is slowly based on the notion that I’m not… Read More Clothes Trauma
The more in-depth I heal in therapy the more I’m trying to figure out things. I’m still defending my mom for all she’s done. Because I’m still excusing her for the emotional neglect and abuse. But same time I’m still stating how she’s a product of her own trauma and marriage dynamic. Yet, those small… Read More Father?
Xexiar 