What sucks about psychology, especially when you study it to mask the pain, is that with all the help in the world it still comes down to how you go about your life. You can have the absolutely amazing support system but nothing will change if you don’t change.
I’m struggling and I noticed I once again fallen back into “I’m doing great.” It’s not the therapist fault. It’s my fault for not being open with my thoughts and feelings. After all, this has been my coping skill since childhood.
I been shamed for so long that every time I do get depressed I get shamed because I have “the perfect life”. If that was the cases why did I get the depressed.
Perfect life to them was having a roof over my head and I was being fed. That’s not a life. People in prison would be considered to have a perfect life. They have a bed, food, and a roof over their head.
But that’s not living. That place is punishment and torture. Restrictions on what they can’t and can do. Enclosed in small spaces. Isolation from the rest of the world to extreme isolation from everything. They are basically living in a box and strip of they’re basic humanity.
Even with access to therapy, education, healthcare, they’re still in a box. And children who grew up in an abusive household goes through similar treatment.
Their humanitarian rights are taken from them before they even know they have any. They have to follow constantly changing rules. Prison has more structure than an abusive household.
As a society, especially in the United States of America, we have excepted that a person who has gone to jail will end up going back. All because that’s all they know. Even when they are given the resources to improve their lives. It’s the same for abused children. They will continue the same pattern over and over again.
It’s extremely difficult to break the cycle. Even if and when they improve their life and learn healthier coping strategies, they are still going to struggle. Especially when they relapse. The damage is done.
Not saying there’s no hope. I’m simply pointing out that it takes a lot of effort from them to get better. And my experience professionals don’t recognize certain patterns that are huge warning signs. Again, from my own experience.
Especially when it comes to depression. Unless suicide or self harm is happening along side the depression it will not be taken seriously. It frustrates me to no end because I been in the system for so long that I studied human psychology enough to lie to therapist. I’m able to answer questions to where I was able to get medication to go about a suicide attempt.
So, now, as I’m trying to be honest with my new therapist I’m conflicted. I even noticed that I started going back to how I used to answer questions to avoid my pain. I feel shame for being depressed because of how far I came.
But it is I who needs to constantly remind myself that being depress is ok. That I’m working through it this time. That I finally have the resources to improve. I’m no longer in a state where my abusers can harm me. I’m no longer in a place that after therapy I’m forced to talk with a family member about everything I said. All so they can use that against me.
I feel ashamed for being in a new place with relatively nice people. Even though everything I’m going through with them is same experience as my abusive family. I’m stuck in a box and have to constantly walk on eggshells. I’m completely isolated.
Xexiar 