As I’m jointing down my to do list for the next day I made an interesting self discovery. The way I talk about myself and others is very different. So much that I never once thought about it until today.

I don’t refer to my anatomy the same way I refer other people. I can easily name female gender characteristics, but naming them on my own body is a different story. At that, I given my own body parts creative names to be able to talk comfortably about them.

I go as far as referring to them as my reproductive organs, extra fat tissue, horror movie references, to locations of either a house or a compass. But it’s not the words that make me uncomfortable. I can easily speak about the female anatomy without feeling any unpleasant emotions. Yet, if I speak about said parts on myself I’m in instant distress.

For so long I never noticed this. Heck, I sometimes avoid these areas to where I would disassociate them. But the moment something brings attention to these areas I’m sent into a world of uncomfortably.

Many times this distress has lead to anxiety attacks. And those anxiety attacks have become self harming behavior. One such harmful behavior is sink picking. It feels like I’m trapped in a bodysuit that isn’t mine.

I have tried things to help with the distress but it’s hard. I personally can’t bind my chest fat due to health issues. When I had the two years without dealing with The Shining elevators I was so happy. My distress is a big reason I wear baggy clothing.

I’m trying so hard to visually and mentally so hard to disassociate from my body, all because I can’t stomach it. But if you were to put a female in front of, I would be perfectly fine. She isn’t me.

And finally coming out as trans, along with transitioning, I truly feel I’ll get to a point I won’t be distressed anymore. To hear someone tell me that it’s possible for me to no longer have this body and still be alive, is so mind blowing.

I have dreamt and wish for years to not have to deal with this. But due to my upbringing I never thought it would ever be possible for me. At one point a friend gave me information on their doctor and insurance that helped them transition. But due to fear and shame I didn’t go after it at the time.

In all forms of the sense, I have been dying my whole life. Even when I try so hard to keep breathing to live, my family kept a hold on me. So, now that I’ve escaped and healing, I can finally go after the things I know will make me be alive.