As I’m washing dishes my thoughts about the whole asking for a day type agreement within a relationship popped up. And as I’m picturing how I would explain myself in that conversation, a statement just stands out. “We’re adults and I’m very aware I’m not your first priority. I’m aware how easily I’ll become background noise when things get busy.”

What hits me is that, besides being understanding to the other person life and trying to explain why I’m asking for something that comes off as ridiculous, it highlights a few of my very profound trauma induced thinking. From how accustomed I am to being a second thought, especially by my own family growing up. How accustomed I am to inconsistencies that made me confused, anxious, and unable to trust the people around me or myself.

So me asking something that come off as controlling to someone else, is something that has been missing from my whole life. To simply ask for reassurance and consistency in such a form can easily be misunderstood. It even brings to light how ingrained my insecurities and self-worth is so low that it’s surprising how old I am.

This also brings to mind other things that highlights how touch starved I truly am. I’m not accustomed to getting physical reassurance from my family growing up. So a hug is very strange. I also don’t like being touched to a certain degree, which is both my autism and my trauma with physical violence, harassment, and assault. I have rarely been given positive physical feedback by my family, so it’s ingrained in me that there’s two reasons anyone touches me. Either for a sexual nature of a reason or to harm me. Even when I finally did have friends that I relatively trusted enough within arms reach, I still was uncomfortable with their touch.

So when someone, my first boyfriend, gave me the hint of affection that I was not accustomed to, I simply held on because I finally found the missing piece. Of course, my emotions towards him was very complicated. I did informed on occasions that I in fact did not feel romantic feelings towards him. I flat out stated I did not love him. Our relationship was very much performative on my part. Plus, he behaved similar to my own family, distance and emotionless. But he did, kinda, paid attention to me. So I guess that’s something. And thanks to this hint of affection it led me into many abusive relationships in search for something stable.

Even when I did try to explore my true sexual orientation, that also led to disappointments. Mainly due to me still seeking validation and assurance. But in truth, those relationships were more satisfying than the male ones. From being able to be comfortably honest, to feeling other things outside of slightly seeking attention. I’m not sure if it’s trauma or my sexual orientation that made me comfortable with the female touch, but that’s something. Then again, it’s most likely my sexual orientation because I have been physically harmed by females within my family throughout my upbringing. That’s a whole rabbit hole I rather keep for another time. (Unless you read those past post that I mentioned this.)

So, in conclusion, as much as I would like to start dating and eventually find myself in a relationship, there’s still a lot of understanding and undoing a lot of my cptsd habits and thinking that I need to work on.