While I’m thinking about make up again, I’m trying to figure out my goal with it. I always loved doing very gothic makeup while playing with unnatural colors. Plus I want to attempt SX type makeup looks.

But then it leads into the question on where do I start. I already got recommended a liquid eyeliner I’m looking forward to try. I just need to now find a pencil eyeliner for my under eyes because of how I like to have a Smokey effect there.

Then with my decent experience with makeup I aim a lot for blues, purples, and black because of how I was attempting goth type looks. And the last time I tried makeup (before leaving nyc) I brought primer, which I didn’t play with much.

And as I attempted to rebuild my makeup collection things happened. From my mental state trying to get through a lot of personal issues I never had a chance to overcome. Let alone the whole ex-friend thing where she had me terrified to do things that I enjoyed.

Like thanks to this ex-friend and depression I stopped doing a lot of things I used to enjoy, or thought I enjoyed. I eventually, struggling by myself, found a therapist to start working on my mental issues. At that, August of 2022 I almost unalived myself.

But thankfully I finally had a better support system, like my case manager, and I had access to resources. Nothing like having a disassociation episode in a state that I still was not used to. Super scary. Then when the loneliness hit, and I tried dating, another issue popped up

Besides feeling out of control, I still felt unreal and going through the motions. The date with the female went amazing, but I was still people pleasing and I wasn’t confident in myself.

And when discussing my bare minimum of what I expect in a relationship to both fam and ex-friend, I got the same response that I’m asking for too much. Which just makes me feel like anything I ask will always be too much. Even people I no longer speak to said the same.

Is it too much to ask for a partner to agree to dedicate one day to just us? Like it doesn’t even have to be a whole day, and doesn’t have to be in person the whole day.

For example: we choose every Saturday. Typically we would hang out. But let’s say something comes up, because life. I would happily take a 30 minute phone call as a little check in and call that our time. It still covers my request to make Saturday our day.

So yeah, I then started my whole gender restart journey, after I realized (part thanks to therapy) that I desperately needed to step back from everything. I still didn’t know who exactly I was. But I knew enough of who my core values were

I always knew I wasn’t a girl. Presentation wise I’m very much nonbinary. I never understood the whole concept of certain things are for certain genders. It was depressing to be told to be a girl my whole life when I thought I was doing so.

Like my whole childhood I thought if I born a girl then that’s it. What I do doesn’t determine if I was a girl or not. But fam kept pushing for me to be “a girl” and since then I wonder what about being a boy that made people say I was being like them. Which made no sense.

Boys are emotionless. But the males in my life are all emotionally assholes. Like wtf. They get a pass when they express anger. They get a pass when they violently express themselves. But “girls” are emotional? My 5yr mind couldn’t fathom the hypocrisy.

Girls supposed to like pink. And for that I hated pink because of what my family told me. Especially when I see grown men wearing pink and they look better than girls.

Make up is for girls to be beautiful. ??? Then why when guys wear it they look incredible. I would buy makeup all because a guy made it look good. Something about their confidence made the product seem more appealing.

But as I grew up I constantly questioning why my family always point out what I did never made sense to them, or how much they used what I was against me.

My whole life Leslie has always commented how I was “high functioning” and whenever I asked what that meant she would never answer me. I now know she was pointing out that I was autistic. The bullshit is my whole family knew and didn’t tell me. Every therapist told them this!

In March I will be 2 years sober. As in a finally decided to give up drinking. Like I already had rarely drank, but when I did it was evident I had a problem. At that, I come from a family of alcoholics. Uncles, brother, sisters. Even dad.

After the whole unalive attempt I put down a whole part of who I thought I was. And after starting my sober journey I’m learning things about myself I long forgot about.

While in the help center, cause of the attemp, I was able to be completely alone. There was no noise or people to cloud my judgement. It was the first time in a long time I looked in an almost body mirror. It was the first time I looked at myself & realized so much about myself.

Things I already knew and things I never noticed. It already took 1 attempt to accept that I never was attracted to men. I already knew I was never female. But in that mirror I had a chance to explore what I look like without a chest, and that made me so happy.

I always had days where the thing that made me happy was when I noticed my male characteristics. The days where even other people noticed my masculine traits.

Like when I look in the mirror and see a pretty boy looking back. Or the time some guy (during my insecurity college days) comment that I looked like a guy in my pic I sent him. He was trying to be mean but that comment made me so happy.

And so I went about trying makeup and styles that brought out those features. Granted a lot of my insecurities came out whenever family spoke. Which discouraged me a lot.

Then when I tried a makeup I thought I looked beautiful in, my ex said I looked like a drag queen, which was a huge compliment for me. But he went about informing me that he was calling me ugly. It’s the same ex who said he’ll no longer speak to me if I came out as not female

This was the makeup he was mean about. I think I did a great job with my lack of skill and trying to be “a girl” It took forever to get the checkerboard lips to not mix.

So when I looked at that mirror , in 2022, it solidified my decisions moving forward. I did already came out as nonbinary before then and was already thinking about getting rid of my chest. But have a visual made it no longer a questionable choice but for once a firm decision.

I had always struggled with thinking for myself due to my upbringing. So to firmly put my foot down and proclaim to myself all the feelings and thoughts I had my whole life I can finally do something about it.

Long before the pandemic I was already looking into transitioning, but I second guessed myself because I wasn’t sure how I would do it in secret. It wasn’t something I could easily talk about with family.

I was grateful that I eventually learned who truly supported my decision to make myself happy. Sure, like 2 still made the sexual jokes about my chest but they firmly stated I should do what I wanted and be happy, and that their feelings shouldn’t matter in this.

So after finally deciding once I move out of her mom’s trailer, I’m no longer speaking or associating with this ex-friend. Especially when she made me fear things I enjoyed. Heck, I disassociate around her that I threw out things I wanted to treasure.

This isn’t mentioning the fact, I was so out of it that I lost my favorite hoodie twice (it’s currently lost again). The first time it was lost it turned out to be in her partner’s car when I clearly had it in my room. So I don’t feel safe around her.

The way this month is going I should be able to find a place this month. Moving is a different story.

Besides all that, during the first year of being sober, I gave up cold medicine (the liquid kind). Trying to be sober opened my eyes to my other addiction. I have a horrible history with meds. So, it’s funny to me that I finally have mood stabilizers that work for me

As I work on my second year of being sober I slowly been taking care of my hair. I been working harder on my confidence and dealing with my insecurities.

This year I finally joined the emotional skills group at the clinic I go to. Which is a huge thing for me since I never been comfortable in group therapy type things. I really missed doing group stuff, like the career meetups I attended in NYC. I met amazing people like that

So seeing that I’m slowly getting away from self isolation to going out is a huge relief for me. But as I’m reaching the second year end, new insecurities and issues come up.

I like to say my HRT is going smoothly and being comfortable around doctors has improved. But now it’s coming closer to the part I’m fearful of. I never had huge surgery before. Most I got, year last year and late 2022, was my wisdom teeth removed. So, top surgery is huge.

And my insecurities about my body goes lower than my chest. I wonder how I’ll bring that up. Plus, I really do want to do makeup again, but the fear people around me would read my actions wrongly. Hence the other mental insecurities

But since I’m getting better at taking care of my hair, learning more about my body on what I can control. I do think it’s time I can start to add something that I really miss that doesn’t belong to any gender.

Plus, I just think it’s time I learn a little bit more about my skin. I already started last year when finally seeing someone about my scars due to my skin picking. So, yeah. It’s about time I get back into makeup.

Because how else am I supposed to learn about my skin if I don’t put it to the test. Like what soups are best for it. What skin care products and routine works. And a lot of times makeup can help with the insecurities I feel that change day to day.

After I deal with surgeries is when I’ll tackle clothing because a huge chunk of what’s stopping me now is because I don’t see me and that’s hard to overcome when a part of that is physically impossible.