Nothing like feeling extremely insecure about body parts and such to where you just want to get rid of everything and build yourself a new body. But not all that is possible.
If it was I would replace my skin for one that isn’t damaged by years of skin picking. Which is impossible. All I can do is take care of what I can’t change.
There’s also the immense insecurities that I have due to the “friends” I had around me. Especially when I felt uncomfortable and questioned if I was their friend or they were only being friendly because they wanted to sleep with me.
I’m not sure how or who I should speak to about these things, currently, because of how complex it is. Let alone the fact I’m not sure how to vocally explain to someone these uncomfortable feelings and thoughts without suddenly feeling so much shame and anger.
Like, as peaceful as I try to be, I’m always so angry. I am easily frustrated within seconds. And again, I try my hardest throughout my whole life to not fall into the same category of my “family”. I don’t want to be violent every time I’m angry. I don’t want to be lose myself to where I become an abuser. I had my aggressive tendencies in high school, typically playful and we were decent friends. But I think that came more from years of being bullied at school my whole life up until high school.
And whenever I tempted the waters of trying to figure myself out everyone around me gave such unclear answers. From family being confused, trying to be “supportive” but in the same breath still only saw me the way they wanted. Ex-friends who tried to convince me that wasn’t how I felt or was. An ex telling me to stop lying to myself. An ex/friend saying he’ll never speak to me if I meant it when I asked how he would react if I transitioned. An ex-friend trying to convince me that I was bi when I came out to him that I was never into guys.
It just all hurts. I’ve tried for so long to be everything everyone wanted and I failed at it. I failed at being a daughter, a girlfriend, just flat at failed at being a girl. And when I try to fight my internal shame and hatred to be true to who I am I lose people I thought who actually cared. Nothing like a sibling making jokes how they thought I said I wasn’t into guys but then saying how a guy was cute. Like did I suddenly lose my right to not comment on how ecstatically pleasing another person was? Then having another sibling tell me how I would always be a girl to them. A sibling commenting how our oldest sister was a tomboy at one point and grew out of it, and that’s probably what I was doing. It hurts to not be believed or seen as anything but what they want.
I don’t want to get rid of my chest and reproduce organs because of the trauma that my upbringing caused. I want to get rid of them to finally feel and see the body that fits me. I want to be me. I already had a strong emotional struggle when it came to changing my name, all because my dead biological mother gave me my name. I already struggled with the idea of doing anything to my body because it’s the body my mother gave me. But then I remembered our last in-person conversation about how she gave me up so I can a happy and healthy life. So me changing my name and changing my body will still have me honoring her wishes. She wanted me to be happy and healthy, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
It’s why I kept my middle name the same, because that’s something we both shared. So in a way, I, on legal documentation, still have the name she gave me. And I like the fact that we share the exact same birthmarks on our arms. Plus, in my case removing my chest and reproductive organs is also a health preventative, since she died of cancer.
So it really doesn’t make sense to me when people hate those who transition. A lot of times it’s not just gender that is being treated but also, like in my case, it’s for physical health reasons. I may not know exactly what medical conditions mtf trans deal with, but I hope whatever it was I’m glad their transition improved their livelihood. In general, I’m very proud of those who transitioned, starting to transition, thinking about transitioning, and those who aren’t sure if they are or aren’t trans. It takes a lot to figure all this out. So I brings me joy to see those who transition before me share their experiences. It makes me feel less alone when I hear the experience of people currently transitioning. It makes me excited to hearing those who discovering themselves. I’m also speaking about those who aren’t trans in the sense of going from one gender to another, but I’m also speaking about those who identify as any gender identity that goes against their gender assigned at birth.
Cause even though I’m transitioning to male, I present as nonbinary and always will.