I must be a fool.

As the night lingers, I wonder to myself. I have done all I could for those around me. I had conformed to what everyone wanted of me. Even trying to contain my thoughts to myself. And in the end, I’m all alone.

I have tried endlessly to fill this void but nothing comes of it. I allowed myself to be used by those I thought cared for me. Used by those who I thought would notice the me I have buried. But in the end, they were nothing more than fakes.

I had long known that nothing in the world is real and had accepted my lonely path. But even I fool myself to try and believe that I’m lying to myself.

Then people start to question me. Start asking if I’m sure that I am not speaking out of pain. Asking is this truly the real me. Why is that nobody believes me? Have I lied so often that the truth is just unreasonable?

Maybe I am fooling myself with believing that who I am is no more than lies. That what people say I am, what people have grown to know is the real me. The one who silently walks the world of the living, and doing everything they can for others.

When no one knew the pain, I hid. Trying to present how unmovable I was. Keeping up strength that I did not possess. Not letting them see I was dying before their eyes.

As I look to the waters below, I think about all the things I have inquired along the way. All the accomplishments I supposedly achieved. All the skills I invested in learning and reaching. All the time and money I spent on items I thought would bring me much joy. All the energy I spent on learning new things. Everything is absolutely worthless.

I just want to destroy and burn it all down. All my games, art supplies, tech, degrees, books, just everything. I’ve tried giving it all away but nobody would take them. I’ve come so close to destroying every last bit, but someone always stops me.

Why doesn’t anyone see it? Why don’t they understand? Everything is just worthless. Especially the walking flesh that is surrounded by them. Why won’t anyone let me get rid of the one thing everything else has in common? Why can’t I just stop existing?

Everything would be so much better with me gone. No extra mouth to feed. No longer worrying about paying extra nonsense bills. Not having to worry about another lifeform. Everything would be much better when I stop breathing.

Wouldn’t it? Or am I just a fool for thinking forcing them to trade one burden for another?

…

It was my birthday on Monday, and certain thoughts were racing through my head this month. So far I’m somewhat doing well… mentality. Hope everyone is having a nice 2021.