It feels like I lost a friend. But I think it’s just that I no longer have someone to talk to when I’m feeling such strong emotions. At best I should bring this up with my therapist. Yet it’s something I have trouble with and I’m slowly falling back into that pattern of just giving brief moments. Instead of full statements of what deeply troubles me.

It’s currently 9:31pm (PDT) and I just had a disassociating moment where I didn’t recognize where I was. For a short time, I completely forget that I had moved to Oregon and was no longer in New York. At best, I even forgot about my roommates. I didn’t even recognize my surroundings for what felt like minutes but could have been hours. And this is something I suffered my whole life with.

It’s hard to talk to anyone when I’m having periods of disconnect. Especially when nobody takes me seriously. For moments at a time, everything around me would turn to just colors. My brain would go completely blank and I shut down. The worst is when I used to work and it happens. It would take me some time to realize what was going on. Which got me into the habit of writing everything down. And when worked I had to complete tasks quickly to avoid anyone noticing.

I don’t always know why I shut down. The only time that I do know why is when I’m being yelled at by family members. Where my memory changes to that of a pure nightmare. I have been living my whole life in this state that it’s difficult to be in reality. Especially since I’m constantly in pain.

For a whole month now, I have been taking mood stabilizers and for once in my life, I’m not dealing with daily suicidal thoughts. And today I am starting anxiety medication. I live in a constant state of anxiety and panic to where it’s hard to tell when someone is genuine with me.

But after our recent argument, I have been in a fog about our friendship. It made me realize that I depend on them so much. I’m so dependent on other people that I don’t know what to do with myself. I have been for so long having other people tell me how to live my life. My whole life I had to make sure everyone around me was ok to have some sense of belonging.

To be neglected and abandoned multiple times, what else was I supposed to do? How else was I supposed to cope when everything says I’m not wanted? To be told how easy it is to get rid of me. Screaming how nobody wants to care for me. Feeling like I wasn’t even part of the family with how I was constantly pushed onto other people. Hating to go shopping with me because I was “difficult”.

What other choice did I have other than trying to be useful to them? If I wasn’t useful then I wasn’t worth loving. To developed suicidal thoughts due to believing everyone would be so much happier if I was dead. Only stopping because no matter if I live or die, I would always be a burden to them.

It’s never about me. I have been told by family members and friends that it’s all in my head. I have been told by professionals that I needed to better myself for my family. To have family member state that everything is my fault even though professionals said I have a neurological disorder. Constantly being shamed at every turn. Not being saved when my much older brother would drag me out of my bed to beat me. Everyone turned their backs on me when I needed help.

Living in a state of petrified fear because any wrong move would lead to abuse. To be terrified of my siblings who are older and stronger than me. Having one almost dropped from a second-floor window. Another hanging me over the staircase railing on the second floor. Not being able to eat for 5 seconds without calling for me. Being screamed at for any little mistake. Knocked across the head, hair being pulled to I was dragged. Even being dragged by my ear and a shoe thrown at me. Constantly being told it was my fault. Not a waking moment without being reminded that anything I am or thought was completely wrong.

Being told how I was jealous due to everyone giving my niece everything I wish I had. But in the same breath, get shamed when I try to get things for myself. Nobody gave me anything. Yet the moment I try to give myself the things I long for I’m in the wrong. And people wonder why I dated men when I’m lesbian. For once someone gave me a taste of attention and I damn was not letting it go. Under that same note is why all my male relationships were abusive. Abuse is all I know.

Nobody really cares. They say they do but years of abuse prove they don’t. If my friend didn’t finally convince me to leave that family, I would have been dead by now. I would have either died by suicide or my body finally gave out on me. As my friend puts it, when I came to Oregon I looked like a dead person. Now, after months, they comment that I look alive.

Since living in Oregon and away from my ex-family I have been improving. My health is getting better and I’m finally seeing professionals more honestly. I doubt I will always have a journal entry as I grow into a heal version of myself, but it doesn’t hurt to try. If not to share my journey with other people; I can at least do it for myself. It would be nice to be able to read my journey as I grow as proof that I came so far.

…

Side note: I am removing my books from Amazon. I want to start anew.