Xexiar

It’s such a great feeling to finally express that I was never female and that I’m male. Especially expressing that me saying I’m non-binary for so long was just me trying hard to accept I was born female.

Almost like how I made every justification to call myself bisexual when that’s not true. I had made every excuse to deny who I truly was because the people around me made it clear that I wouldn’t be accepted.

Having to lie to myself to find men attractive was because they were just females with extra parts. I had fight myself day in and day out because I’m m forced to play the role of a girl. Being told at every turn that who I was isn’t right.

Constantly told that I was just going through a phase, and I’ll be much happier when I accept I was a girl. Never being seen as a person unless I dress the role they wanted. Everyone screaming and yelling how I shouldn’t like what I do because I was a girl.

To grow up and hate the person in the mirror. Not being able to look at myself without feeling disgusted and wishing I could get rid of everything. The years of miserably trying to survive around people who done love me unless it benefited them.

When I finally came out as lesbian, they fought me at every turn. Trying to make it seem that I was lying because that’s not the person they raised. When told them I was non-binary, they told me how I was still a girl to them. How they’ll never see me as anything else but a female.

It hurts so much. Especially when it’s people I thought were my friends telling me the same thing.

But now, after a year being away from them. After finally getting a therapist who understands me and not trying to continue the cycle of forcing me to be something else. To finally be able to take medications that truly help me. I’m finally able to think and smile at the fact I now am free to be myself.

I’m free now to put the work in to transition. I can finally be the self I always knew I was. To no longer have to play a role that was never mine.

This is a great feeling.