As I’m cleaning my room a few thoughts keep crossing my mind. I’m practicing having a full argument over how I won’t get my work noticed because I don’t advertise enough. Or how I don’t ask for help when I need it. Let alone how I treat everyone around me.

The more I thought on it, I then question if my trauma have any blame. After all, I was always made to feel like I was never important and my needs weren’t good enough. Which explains the people pleasing, and constantly apologizing.

Then the question about where is the line drawn between people pleasing and being a nice person. I have excuse every professional I’m working with. They would do something that upsets me but I let it go because I understand their line of work.

I’m not aggressive or entitled to get things done when I need it to be done. I know that people can be forgetful. Same goes for understanding doctors are always on call for emergencies. Yet I still get upset when I’m seeking help.

But then I would hear my family again. “It’s not about you!” “You’re so ungrateful for everyone giving you everything.” “You have nothing to complain about because everyone else has it worse than you.” “You’re ungrateful”

It’s hard to get those words out of my head. Making it that all I can do is make myself small and get out of everyone’s way. To just put on a smile and make it seem I’m fine. I had to learn to escape into my head because it’s the only place where I was understood.

And so now, it’s difficult to not follow the same pattern. Not to mention, question my every interaction. Questioning if they’re genuine or a front.

Even when I’m finally surrounded by people that do understand and see me for myself, I’m still unsure. Especially since my current surroundings all remind me of my upbringing and I’m still so small.

Everything is so hard. But I can at least be proud of myself for trying. Along with the question that my therapist made yesterday. Which I think is why I have the questions today. Most likely my brain fully caught up and is processing.

My therapist ask if me being non-binary/trans due to my c-ptsd from family or is it really who I am. I informed her that I always knew I wasn’t female. And how me leaving New York without a word to anyone was me rebelling against the box I was forced into.

How it took me so long to accept the real me. The more I learned and accepted myself the more I came to understand why I hated so much the role I played. It was a relief to finally break apart the mask I have been wearing for long.

Now the question lies in whether I’m still people pleasing or being a genuinely nice person. I know for a fact I don’t ever want to make people feel how I felt growing up. And I can easily understand everyone else. But it’s time to understand myself.