I think the biggest reasons that I don’t understand or know what emotion I’m feeling most of the time is not only because of the toxicity of my upbringing, but also because my default reaction to everything is anger. Then when I notice I’m angry I quickly try to change it to anything but that… Read More Rant 004
Don’t know why, but I have this deep urge to drink again. Even when I’m trying so hard to stay positive and remind myself it’ll be alright. But the desperate need to buy a bottle and drown is strong, and I don’t understand why I’m having the urge when I’m trying to be ok. I… Read More Rant 003
While I’m thinking about make up again, I’m trying to figure out my goal with it. I always loved doing very gothic makeup while playing with unnatural colors. Plus I want to attempt SX type makeup looks. But then it leads into the question on where do I start. I already got recommended a liquid… Read More Rant 001
As I’m struggling to bring myself to buy new clothes, I’m constantly cycling back to the same argument. That either, I have plenty of clothes and that I should hold off until I lose weight and have my place. While the other side of the argument is slowly based on the notion that I’m not… Read More Clothes Trauma
As I’m cleaning my room a few thoughts keep crossing my mind. I’m practicing having a full argument over how I won’t get my work noticed because I don’t advertise enough. Or how I don’t ask for help when I need it. Let alone how I treat everyone around me. The more I thought on… Read More 9.23.2022
It feels like I lost a friend. But I think it’s just that I no longer have someone to talk to when I’m feeling such strong emotions. At best I should bring this up with my therapist. Yet it’s something I have trouble with and I’m slowly falling back into that pattern of just giving… Read More September 13, 2022
I put in so much work into avoiding something and I usually do a good job at it until someone points it out. After that I fall back into the cycle of that bad habit and then I get blame for doing it again. I been doing so good until you said something. And then… Read More I Just Want to Scream
I went through my records and it finally made sense what they were stating. This whole time, on record, I was given the diagnosis of being autistic. The issue was they were using different words to state that. It also gives proof that I also have adhd.
Know what’s the worst thing I heard growing up suicidal. Constantly being told to think about other people and how they would feel. Not once did anyone validate my feelings and tried to speak to me about why I felt that way. Making it ever so clear that I wasn’t even important enough to be… Read More Suicide
With recently speaking to my nephew again and one of my older sisters, I’m feeling very strange. Plus, the news that one of my aunts died and getting in contact with my cousin over it. Along with speaking with one of my nieces. All these things back to back has me on edge. Not to… Read More Feeling
Xexiar 