Know what’s the worst thing I heard growing up suicidal. Constantly being told to think about other people and how they would feel. Not once did anyone validate my feelings and tried to speak to me about why I felt that way.

Making it ever so clear that I wasn’t even important enough to be noticed as my own person. Never mind how constantly I was made to feel like a burden for even being alive.

Heck, the fact I lived past the age of 5 is amazing. But same time, I had to become even more numb. Constantly trying to reach out only for my very existence be thrown away.

What’s the point of trying to live when growing up everyone around you wanted nothing to do with you? What’s the point when they easily forget about you? When they constantly try to get rid of you?

Constantly testing to see if you’ll finally jump off that cliff. So many times I been so close to just ending it. And every single time it’s always the same reason I can’t go through with it.

“Even in death I’ll still be a burden. There’s no escaping from their mockery and abuse.” They’ll just scream at how I don’t care about them. How I placed a financial burden on their shoulder. They won’t care about the fact they lost their child, their siblings.

All my life they told me I was nothing and shouldn’t exist. Yet they don’t want to deal with the burden of getting rid of my body. Nobody has ever cared.

I’m alive today and trying to deal with the demons they gave me. At least this time I’m around people who’s actions match their words. My trust in them is enough to get by. And I have a long way to go.

I just hope when I finally fall I lived a happier life.