Know what sucks about constantly dealing with suicidal ideations and urges, is that I’m constantly avoiding medication. From pain meds to psychaitris meds. Especially because that was always my way out. Too many times coming close to overdose. Even worse when going through the process to be prescribed heavy meds to go through with finally ending everything.

If I didn’t seek out to make amends, my last year on earth would been 2017. Even then, every year is a struggle because I can’t look at a bottle of pills without thinking how easy it will be to overdose and nobody will care. Or how it’ll be too late for anyone to save me.

Even when I left my abusive family, I still struggle with how easy it would be to die. The only thing keeping me alive is not wanting to be someone else’s burden. Not like anyone would notice until it’s so late I’ll never come back.

My will to live is so low, that it’s practically nonexistent. Even on my good days, I struggle to not think how easy it will be to leave while everyone is happy.

Constantly trying to avoid every form of suicidal ideations hurts. It’s a struggle to keep breathing when deep down I have long given up. And after speaking to family again, it reminded just how numb I was for so long.

But just for today, I’m going to try to breathe and hope I am tomorrow.