I put in so much work into avoiding something and I usually do a good job at it until someone points it out. After that I fall back into the cycle of that bad habit and then I get blame for doing it again.

I been doing so good until you said something. And then it’s my fault for the aftermath you had started. I’m the one to blame for the flood of emotions and self loathing, when I been on a very good track on doing what I can.

But all it takes is one small comment and I then wonder why I started going downhill.
At that, I have mentioned before how I’m trying to avoid that topic. I have been working on that one small thing. Yet you keep crossing that boundary and get angry with me.

I’m always the one to blame for my actions. I’m always the one to blame for how I handle any given situation. Yet nobody ever wonders where it started. Then question why I am the way I am. Then start saying how I’m the one in the wrong.

And people wonder why I go silent when I’m dealing with something. Because no matter what, either they trigger a worse episode or they no longer speak to me.

But again, I’m always the one at fault. All because I constantly have to walk on eggshells to make sure nobody else gets hurt. Just for the fact that every action I take I’ll always be alone.

Multiple people have told me that they will always be there. Just to turn around and say and/or do things that scream that I’m not important enough, and can easily pushed away.

I can try my absolute hardest but it’ll never be enough. And people why I feel so hopeless and ready to just give up on everything. I been surrounded and still am with people who, unless I say something, they would never know what I’m going through. I’m surrounded by people who will never know if I stop being alive until it’s too late.

But fuck it. What does anyone care.
I’m just so frustrated that I want to scream.