With recently speaking to my nephew again and one of my older sisters, I’m feeling very strange. Plus, the news that one of my aunts died and getting in contact with my cousin over it. Along with speaking with one of my nieces.

All these things back to back has me on edge. Not to mention, I did lab work for the first time in a long time. So, the results from that also is affecting me.

I’m trying to put on a strong front when really I don’t know what I should do. I also am trying to continue being patient with my housing situation. I hate to admit that I’m reaching my end with all the waiting.

I’m well aware that I have lots of patience, since that’s something my traumatic upbringing taught me. So, when I speak to my therapist tomorrow I’ll be informing her that I’m finally ready.

I’m finally ready to put an end to pretending to be a person that never existed. I’m ready to start the paperwork to get gender affirming surgery and changing my name.

I struggled so hard to fit into an identity that was never mine. Mentally and emotionally abusive to become someone else ideals. I was never a female. I could never be what everyone wanted me to be.

I’m ready to say goodbye to the person everyone tried to make me. It’s time I actually become myself. Especially with the fact I finally have the support I always needed.

Being abused to the point that I never thought anyone would understand me. Seeing therapist after therapist that believed in the same ideals of my family. Having to go through years of family using the information of my therapy sessions against me. Years of believing my older sister actually cared when in truth I was just her slave.

So, coming to Oregon and finding out first hand that what I went through never should have happened. That what I felt and knew about myself was just as real as my physical scars. To learn that I shouldn’t have been made to feel like anything less than human.

Going through the process of gender affirming surgery and changing my name is much deeper than gender. It’s also a form of healing. Because when it’s all over I’ll be myself. I’ll be the person that was always meant to be.

To confidently look in a mirror and see myself. Instead of all the things I couldn’t be. My reproductive organs are a huge trigger for me. Besides the fact of having a family history of ovarian cancer. My chest is a constant reminder that I’m not or ever was female. Along with all the memories of being raped multiple times in my life.

Eventually I will go through the financial process to change my name here, on WordPress. Since I did try to change it as a free account but even that’s limited.

Regardless. I’m finally ready for the next step in my healing journey.