Just had a thought. Maybe I don’t like hiking and the outdoors the way I thought I did. There can be a much deeper reason behind such desires. Like my longing, since childhood, of wanting to escape.

The deep urge of running away from my family. That could be the reason I looked to nature as a metaphor for freedom.

I been practically enclosed in a mental cage that everything outside it was magical. Just thinking about all the times I dreamt of being free from the chains around my neck, I would always picture being in an opened field.

Maybe I don’t like walking or any outside activities the ways others do. It could just be how my young mind processed what freedom was. And now that I’m away from my abusive family, it leaves me with so many questions.

It’s the first time that I been able to truly figure myself out. No longer am I being a mindless empty shell. I’m no longer performing for the people who call themselves my caretakers. For once I’m able to make my own decisions without fearing the backlash of a parental figure.

And as I’m slowly learning about myself, the more I reason a lot of things aren’t me. Like how I came to accept myself as non-binary. At that, my feminine side isn’t a typical fem. As my masculine side is closer to a chill surfer.

Point is, I now how the luxury to make my own mistakes. The luxury to speak up for myself. Especially the luxury of being true to me.

I never realized how sheltered I was. So, it’s practically a culture shock to realize I am my own person. That my thoughts and feelings do matter. It’s almost scary how much I don’t know. But at the same time, it’s exciting to know I have so much learn.

Maybe, who knows, I might not like certain career paths that I thought I needed to take. And as I heal I’ll find my true calling. Because this time I’m listening with both ears and a open heart.