Just feeling off and want to get some thoughts out of my head.

There’s so many labels and things to identify as, but nothing feels right. It’s like I don’t even have an identity to begin with. I even feel some sort of pressure to choose which side I’m supposed to be on.

This is something I struggle with a lot, and it doesn’t get easier. For example I hated my body for so long and it’s very hard to explain why. I’ve tried dealing with this on my own and pretending that it’s all in my head. The same with what I’m attracted to.

But everything I do feels like I’m lying to myself over and over. It took me years to finally come clean that I’m attracted to females. Yet, the people around me still bring up male related subjects. Like talking about the males they’re attracted to or had intercourse with. One friend, who I thought I could confide in, would say how it’s ok to like both and that I don’t have to choose.

Like do I have to keep reminding everyone of this fact? It gets me so angry, yet I stay quiet about it. I try to mask the pain that I feel, just like I know how. Try to just bury everything inside again.

Sometimes it just feels like I’m being unheard like always, and that I truly never matter to begin with. Just having to go back to pretending all these feelings are the lies I tell myself, because clearly everyone else knows me better. Back to reminding myself that I’m just invisible in the noise.

Then trying to tell people I do not see myself as a girl. Before I tried to play it off with everyone, when deep down that’s how I truly felt. I practically knew nobody was going to take me serious to begin with, so why bother explaining how I feel.

Just got to keep telling myself the same thing over and over. There’s no point in crying because I have no reason to cry. There’s no point in making friends because they will always turn their backs on me. No point in trusting anyone, because only I will be there when I fall.

This is the reason I never thought I would make it into adulthood. I always knew that if given the chance I would/will kill myself. It’s hard to fight off those feelings, knowing full well that nobody is actually going to care. Not like anyone would really notice. It’s the reason why I easily give up dreaming.

It gets me so angry that nobody that I thought understood me actually gets me. A friend, who I thought can be consider as such, makes me feel even more angry at myself. Saying things like I don’t have to choose which gender to like and just like them all. A supposed friend who makes me hate my body even more because they saying it’s probably my trauma that made me feel this way.

That’s not it at all! No matter how hard I try to explain it doesn’t come out right, and he makes me feel so much worse. It sometimes feel like I’m trying to please my friends and conform to what they believe is what I feel. I hate him so much. Yet why does it feel like I’m stuck in another abusive relationship when we’re not even together? I fucking hate this!

To top it off, even my family makes me feel so confused. They sometimes even make me hate myself even more. Like, do they accept me or not? I don’t even know. They say one thing and then do another. The only ones that I can say haven’t confused me and made me feel truly accepted are my nieces and nephew. They at least try to understand me.

But yet I still feel so much hatred towards myself. At this point I’m not even sure what I am anymore. I just know I’m not a female. But yet, I’m not even male. Am I non-binary or borderline trans? I don’t even know anymore, and it gets me so mad. I just want to lock myself away and just suffer all alone. It’s not I’m not doing that now, just that nobody will be around when I finally lose all sense of myself.

I really do wish I could just die and end everything. Why do I choose to keep living when I want it all to end? Why can’t I just die already?