Maybe I do have a problem and should at least try to express it. Like I’m very accustomed to not being a priority in anyone’s lives. I try my best to be understanding that life happens and things just comes up. But at the same time, that same pattern is what led me to having to not rely on anyone’s help, because I never had someone reliable in my life.

My own family treated me like an afterthought, even during moments where I truly needed help. Even when I had tried to voice my needs and reach out for support, it landed on deaf ears. Or worse, they would promise me all to break that promise. Just because “they forgot” and/or “they were busy”. Nothing with that. I do get people with other priorities, like work or taking care of their kid, is more important than me.

But it sucks how I didn’t have that option. If I remotely didn’t have a second to spare to help my family, I would be deemed selfish and horrible for not keeping my word. I didn’t have the option to have any form of personal priorities, because they were always deemed to be unimportant and selfish behavior.

That upbringing has led me into a lot of trouble. From not being able to rely on others when I need it those most. Not being able to reach out for help because the feeling of not being worthy enough. Always feeling my problems aren’t as important as someone else’s. Constantly allowing other people that aren’t family to treat me like a second thought.

It’s so bad that I even allow a person whose job is to help me out also treat me as an afterthought. I do try to reason how I’m not the only person they help and they also have to do other office related things that is part of their job. But it still hurts and I’m struggling to express that with them, because it’s not their fault.

And once again, I’m making excuses to justify other people’s behavior. I can’t control everything or even try to express myself. Bad things usually happen when I try. A lot of times I end up being the one in the wrong. So any attempts feels unless. And when I did try to voice one small concern I seemed to hurt their feelings or have insulted them. I don’t like that.

It’s why I feel horrible even trying to just reach out to people for just about anything. I don’t want anyone to feel how I feel. I don’t want them to feel like a second thought, or feel like I’m using them, or even feel like I’m being ungrateful for anything they do and/or offer me. I’m such a mess.