Watching a video on professional attire for a job interview and it triggered a funny conversation I had with my sister before. Since she’s constantly telling me how I should wear color and have a very professional outfits. She would always tell me to stop wearing black.

Even though, black is one of the most professional colors to wear. It been proven in many case studies. And to hear the person I’m watching on YouTube reinstate how business is very neutral tone colors, especially black blue and grays. So it makes me giggle.

I giggle because my sisters always trying to have me wear bright colors. Even though my wardrobe has always been tailored for a professional setting. From my multi black shirts, to a few of my dress pants. I even had work only shoes and interview only heels. And yet my sisters would still gang up on me for not having a range of colorful clothes.

It’s even funnier because said sister had worked in a corporate office her whole career. But it’s one thing to work in an office compared to trying to get a job. Once in an office then one can venture into different patterns and expression pieces, because you already got the job and you were given their dress code. Not every place has the same dress code.

I also laugh because it’s one of those things of she was practically blind to the job market and how each other corporations operate. For example: a fashion company and an educational company have completely different cultures. From the dress code to what is considered “casual”. And these are on a different level compared to Wall Street and law firms.

My sisters also would get surprised about how knowledgeable I am when it comes to fashion and makeup. But then berate me about how I always look like a “bum” with my sweatpants and oversized shirt.

If it weren’t for the overwhelming backhanded compliments and constant criticism on how I should be more “feminine” I wouldn’t have mind much dressing up more often. But the moment I decide to put in some effort they wouldn’t leave me alone. It made putting in effort worthless because nobody saw it as me having a good day.

Family took it as I was trying to impress someone. Or would attack me about how I should stop dressing like a slob because of how beautiful my body was. It’s one thing to get uncomfortable degrading compliments from complete strangers, but it’s a whole other issue when family does it. I no longer become a person in their eyes.

So, as I’m healing my view of my body I hope one day I can wear clothes in a way that doesn’t remind me of the pain. Which I’m glad that I finally came out as nonbinary trans male. It gives me hope that as I continue my healing journey I won’t have to deal with limiting myself to presenting a certain way for others.

For goodness sake, from losing weight to working on getting top surgery are just the tip of the iceberg of my health goals. I want to finally fit into button down shirts and get decorative body modifications. Such as tattoos and piercings. I want a body that is truly me. I want to feel comfortable in a skin that I never felt like it was mine before.

Plus, just thinking about all the clothes I’ll eventually fit into makes me happy. I’ll eventually fit into a suit that’ll be worthy for a corporate job in Wall Street.