With my top surgery just a month away I’m feeling both excited and nervous. I’m super excited to finally get this done and within such a shorter time than I previously thought. Since the first initial intake appointment was for September of 2026 but ended up being done in August 2025. And the fact that we found a surgeon to do the surgery within my preferred timeframe, of winter, was so surreal. Keeping in mind I’m coming from a mindset that I never thought I would ever be able to be my true self in the physical sense, and that my emotions and identity were invalid. So this is so exciting. Not to mention it’ll be one full year since my hysterectomy this month.

I’m excited for several other reasons for my upcoming surgery. Most of it falls under improving my quality of life, both physically and mentally. Physically it will relieve excess weight on my chest and relieve back pain. It’ll also make it much easier to exercise without a mass getting in my way. When it comes to the mental, I can dress in ways that I couldn’t before without sacrificing my health. And let’s be realistic, there’s also a huge expense to having a large chest, from bra size to clothes. Not to mention, even if my gender identity wasn’t male, I would have still sought out reduction to alleviate a lot of the health concerns I have with my chest. The gender part comes down to the end results.

Sure, I have got plenty of people, especially family and friends, who have said I might regret the surgery. Even doctors and therapists asked if I was absolutely sure about this, and just not influenced by social media. Not saying I don’t understand the concerns these people have but at the same time I lived knowing for years that my current chest isn’t for me. It just took a while for me to express these thoughts. And when I spoke to my therapist and doctor about such concerns I pointed out there are ways I can fake having a large chest again. But the best part of that would be that it would be under my terms and it won’t be a permanent thing. I already dress and present non-binary, so having the choice to exaggerate my body at will is very impowering.

Now when it comes to my nerves, I find this to be quite funny. For you see, because I have lived with this chest for most of my life there is a slight adjusting, I need to brace myself for. The best I was able to describe it to a nurse was that it’ll almost be like getting a finger cut off. I always had that finger so seeing it gone will be very strange for a while and will take getting used to.

That’s how I feel about my chest. I’m excited and happy to finally being able to get it off but I’m trying to brace myself for the first stages of missing a body part. From the lightness of not having it there to trying to fix my posture. And even just the whole looking down and not seeing it. There’s even needing to learn a new way of eating and doing certain things. Especially since a lot of my movements and posture revolved around my very apparent chest. From walking, sitting, eating, doing everyday tasks, to exercising. There’s so much movement I do that will need to be changed slightly to accommodate the new normal.

Yet, with all the accommodations I’ll be having to make I’m still looking forward to surgery. Plus, I ordered myself a soft robe to practically live in throughout the first week of healing. This is mainly because I don’t have button down shirts, except for the one interview shirt. Which just proves how much my chest affected my clothing choices. After surgery I can start thinking about all the button-down shirts I can wear without having to factor in it being either too big to accommodate my chest or being my actual size yet small due to my chest. I’m so excited to expand my wardrobe past plain t-shirts. I’ll finally be able to get plain button-downs. And then eventually expand my style after weight loss.

Speaking of weight loss I hit a snag. Mainly due to my own bullshit and trying to recover from the seasonal depression that happened in the summer. But I’m glad I’m maintaining 230 instead of getting back to 240. At one point I did make it all the way down to 220. Yet something happened over the summer that I pretty much had a crash on top of seasonal depression. Hence why I’m still recovering. Crash as in barely ate to the point I was barely keeping it together, dehydration in 85-90 °F weather, and ammonia from cat litter that I eventually was able to clear up. So yeah, a lot happened in the summer that is making it longer to get myself together. But at least I’m getting there.