Yesterday I overly underestimated how out of shape I was. Which I quickly was humbled as challenged myself to do a DailyBurn MMA workout, called Undefeated.

I did more than I physically thought I could, but less than I mentally thought I was able. Which heavily brought to light how distracted I am to my body. Don’t get me wrong. I’m extremely well aware that I’m overweight to where I’m at the edge of obesity.

Na. I am obesite for my height. Currently at 257, which isn’t good. I been denying a lot of my physical health because mentally I couldn’t accept it. I’m able to walk hours at a time, but I don’t take into account things that I struggle with. I been saying for over almost 3 years that I reached a plateau with walking. But after yesterday that’s clearly a self inflicted lie.

Lately I have been watching YouTube videos that speaks about obesity and those in the fat acceptance community. Oh god, a lot of the videos were a huge wake up call.

Like I stated, I did more than I physically thought I could handle but did less than I mentally expected. Which says a lot about how disconnected I am to my body. And as a reflection I see I haven’t taken into account all the breaks I take when walking. Or the fact that when I walk I ignore all my body signals telling me that I’m overworking myself.

It’s not until I take a full stop that I realize the pain my feet are in. Especially my ankle and knees. And after speaking with a friend over the past few days it really inspired me to truly take accountability for my self negligence.

From the way I starve myself to the point I end up binging. Or how I drink a lot of sugar. I drink more calories than I eat. I have such a horrible relationship with solid food I forget about my relationship with liquid foods. Especially since it took me forever to admit I was an alcoholic. Thankfully I’m working on my way to 3 years sober.

But the point is the same, I gotten so close to 300 lbs in 2023, at 271 lbs. And it did take until I admit to myself I’m far into my mental state to be able to challenge my trauma. I’m still working on all my mental issues, but I’m now at a point where I can’t deny where I am physically.

In April of this year I lost weight to where I was at 247 lbs. Which was a huge accomplishment. But during my seasonal depression, in the summer, I gain back 10 lbs. And I’m very disappointed in myself. I came so far but just one setback sent me spiraling to the point I fell back into old habits.

So now I gotta be extra cautious and truly honest with myself. Even though I’m getting surgery next month, it doesn’t mean I’m gonna allow myself to fail again. Sure, I won’t be able to workout as heavy as I’m trying to get to, but I need to get better at my eating habits. Because my eating habits is what going to make all the difference.

I really want to reach my goal of being 200 lbs by this time next year. If I can just lose about 50 lbs than there’s nothing stopping me in losing more.