Goal for 2025 is to stop being a perfectionist. From learning to not overthink the small details to giving myself the freedom to be the me when I used to be an alcoholic.

The alcoholic me was free and just didn’t care. Was confident and just went for it. I want to be that without having alcohol.

I want to build up my confidence that mirrors the kind when I wasn’t able to care. The kind that just living his best life and goes after the things he wanted.

Where the thoughts of being a failure is so far gone from the moment, that it seems nonexistent. To be in a state of mind where the perfectionist trauma ideology is a mere whisper, like my suicidal thoughts.

I came so far to where un-a-living myself is no longer a constant struggle. I even managed to finally be able to manage my anxiety to where I’m able to prevent my anxiety attacks from having me lose control. So, next stop is to calm down the C-PTSD perfectionist that was beaten into me.

To continue overcoming my religious trauma and grow as a person. To eventually embrace things that I’ve been denying for so long. To learn to stop feeling shame and guilty over human nature.

I don’t want to pick up drinking again to have these things again. Because I always regret my decisions. So I want to get to that level of pure bliss by working on quieting the voices that prevents me from being happy.

I want to feel human without drowning myself. So, to do that I have to force myself to step out of my comfort zone and be the person I want to be. Which means fighting the voices telling me everything is wrong, when the facts are I’m doing something right.

I want to do what I did when I took the leap of faith and left NYC. I felt like I was a horrible person for leaving behind everything I ever known. Even when that very thing was killing me. I felt like I betrayed my family because I was always told family came first.

I felt like I had ran away from my problems, instead of facing them head on. But something I always knew was fact was you can’t win everything. That there are some battles it’s better to walk away from. And the battle I had with the very people that raised me was no longer a fight worth fighting. My one moment of true selfishness was when I decided to fight for me.

So, even when I know I’m going to feel uncomfortable this coming year, I have to remind myself it’s for a better tomorrow.