Some reason I’m having an imaginary conversation that could happen during my annual gyn exam and it’s with my surgeon. The conversation goes into me telling him my excitement and how gender euphoric it’s going to be. Along with how I’m trying to calm my anxiety.

…

Saying how regardless of my gender I would have sort out this surgery due to family history that surrounds our reproductive organs. From birth mom dying of ovarian cancer at the age of 35. My aunt and sister having an emergency hysterectomy due to a condition that can lead to death.

Then I tell him how I’m trying to view the whole process the same as when I got my wisdom teeth removed. How the healing process is going to be difficult. From this will be the first time I go completely under, to for a while I’m going to be very uncomfortable. Not being able to sleep how I typically sleep, not being able to do things how I typically do things. The healing process is going to very well make me dread and question my decisions to do all this. I’ll most likely have moments of regret due to how uncomfortable I am.

But I’m trying to remind myself of all the uncomfortably I went through with my wisdom teeth. This moment of uncomfortableness is worth the end results. Like how my whole experience before and after my wisdom teeth removal was practically night and day.

From the constant pain and swelling I got due to accidental cheek biting vs now I can eat food without worrying about if I’m going to hurt myself in the process. It’s such a liberating feeling. My life greatly improved after a surgery I never thought was possible.

Things I never thought I would ever be able to do suddenly became accessible to me. I never could imagine how much my life would improve by getting teeth removed. I always found it strange that people would voluntarily remove a part of their body. Especially when I grew up being taught it was very taboo to change what god had given you.

Because of my religious upbringing is why I struggled so greatly. From the thoughts that I was broken because I wasn’t what I was “supposed” to be. I tried so hard to find ways to justify my feelings and thoughts to be the perfect catholic daughter I was told to be. And after my grandmother passed is when I just couldn’t take it. I felt like god abandoned me. It felt like there was simply no god because he took away the one person who gave me unconditional love and made me feel human.

I became so bitter after her death, and I was only 8 at the time. I felt like her death was my fault. From that day on I had questioned if there truly was a great being judging our very existence and the concept of good and bad.

It’s when I started to just give up on any kind of belief. What was the point in believing in someone so evil and cruel. The very being my father constantly used to justify his actions. A being that evil people used to justify murder and violence. I don’t want to believe in something that causes pain.

I hated how my family would constantly interrogate me on why I didn’t believe in what they believed. The only reason I still attempted to follow some of their customs was because my grandpa was still alive. I at least wanted to keep being true to the side of religion my grandparents showed me. That as long as you’re kind and understanding then that’s all that matters. And when he passed I was grateful to know he left with a smile. It brought me joy that he said how he can see grandma and his god son there to take him home. Somehow it gave me hope on what awaits me on the other side.

My grandpa died in 2020. Grandma died when I was 8, I’m 31 now.

Even though I attempted to be myself slowly over the years, but grandpa’s death made it final. After that I spoke with a therapist and slowly became truthful to myself about my sexuality. It felt amazing to finally be out, especially to myself. My family was still hesitant. Thankfully things had started changing after my parents got their official divorce and dad moved out.

Sure, in high school I tried to find myself and such but family still had a huge advantage over me. Then there was college, which I’m glad I survived that. But finally coming out that I was lesbian was so rewarding. Especially when the few true friends I had made accepted me without question. It made me wonder if that’s how my grandparents would react if they were still alive and I told them.

And when I started to realize that I can go about changing my physical form to match how I mentally was became liberating in so many ways. At that, these same friends who supported me being lesbian also supported me in me not being female. To be honest, I have always stated that whenever I was around them. But to fully say it without holding back made it ten times better.

As much as I miss NYC, because of my amazing friends, I’m glad I left. Since now I been able to work up to being myself without family enforcing what I’m supposed to be. And as I went through a more intimate and uncomfortable honest therapy I finally been able to forgive myself and tell my younger self it was never my fault. So my goal in life now is to be able to live to the fullest so I can have stories to tell my grandparents when the time comes. Along with keeping their teachings to heart because only their opinions matter. Which makes me happy because I know deep down they would still love and accept me for not being a straight cis female. They would still love me with all their heart even though I don’t follow their religion. They would only want me to be happy and a good person, no matter how that would look like. For that, I’m gonna do my best to make them proud of me because they’re the only people that matter!