I don’t know how to describe it but I always feel like I’m home whenever I’m in a hardware store.

Probably because I grew up in my dad’s shop, and went with him whenever he went shopping for parts.

My dad is a plumber and was a super for an apartment building. I also used to help in with fixing things around the house.

At that, it got to the point that whenever it came down to things I always was made to help him, even if it meant I had to stop whatever I was doing. That includes homework, traveling an hour to wherever he was, canceling plans with friends.

I have this every love-hate with my dad. On one hand he caused a lot of my trauma (along with my sister). But on the other hand I learned a lot from him.

I learned how to deal with tools and fix things. We even talked about cars whenever we were together driving around. I learned about how different things came together.

Then I have my other brother who’s an electrician for a construction company. I learned a lot about tech and gaming through him and my male cousins.

The joke growing up was how a more reliable guy than dad and my brother. And so when it came out of nonbinary (at first) it wasn’t a big surprise. Sure, they still tried to enforce me to be more feminine. Thankfully after coming out trans they finally gave up on forcing me to be something else.

And as I’m working on figuring out what I want to do for work I’m at a strange crossroad. As much as I want to get into the IT industry, there’s a part of me that also wants to work on cars.

But as I think more on things thoughts about being a plumber or electrician sounds more tempting. I miss working with equipment. Sure, I don’t like the situation I grew up in, but working was the best times I had with my old man.

A part of me also been thinking about unblocking my dad, but I’m not too sure. It’s one of moments leaving me wondering if I’m holding a grudge. I’ve grown so much and healed from many things. Yet, I do fear of having a panic attack the moment I hear his voice again.

Especially when it took me so long to get through my PTSD reaction whenever I hear a male screaming around me. Not to mention the few times I had a panic attack from my own brain suddenly having me hear my father’s voice screaming at me. I hated those nights.

But I have gotten to a point where my sister’s comments no longer hold weight over me. So perhaps it’s time I give it a try. I don’t have to forgive him for the past, but it would be nice to talk to him. Especially when he’ll be 58 this summer.