So… decided to take out the clothes from my closet for some unknown reason. I just did it. Now I’m trying to figure out what the he’ll am I going to do with them.

Which some I was saving until I lost weight, since those tend to fit currently a bit tight. There’s also some that I wanted to use as proof that I lost weight.

And then there’s the ones that I have that are for my femme days. I wonder if I’ll be able to find something similar OR better after I lose all the weight and get top surgery.

Either way, I’m currently stuck on what I should do. Clothes are such a weird topic for me. Like I know why doing chores and throwing stuff out is difficult. But clothes have a bit more layers* to them.

There’s the c-ptsd to them. The gender dysphasia. Let alone my emotions towards my own body. Even financial concepts that I’m struggling to comprehend.

One would think with my shopaholic tendencies, clothes would be the easiest thing to over buy. But it’s not. I tend to buy things that are small and have nothing to do with my body. Of course, within budget. But these things leave me completely broke.

For goodness sake. It took me 2 months to finally give in and buy new sneakers that I desperately needed. Perhaps I’m taking on more than I could currently handle. But at the same time I’m making so much progress in other areas of my life. Just that clothes are still the most uncomfortable one.

Besides, even if I had someone to go clothes shopping with me, I’ll just end up not putting the focus on myself. Sure, I can do the shopping on my own. But am I mentally ready for such a thing.

Like I’m literally holding off on clothes shopping until I lose weight and get top surgery. All because of how horrible I feel towards my own body. As much progress I made with everything that not physically attached to me, there’s still something I have to get over. And it’s fucking terrifying.