I think quitting alcohol is much easier than overcoming my ED. In the sense that it’s easy to avoid alcohol when I’m broke, so it’s become easier to rationalize that I don’t need it. But when it comes to my ED I have to deal with food. Food is an important thing that is use to keep me alive.

By all means I don’t need alcohol to survive, but I need food. But my emotions around food is horrible and it’s easy to relapse without trying. I’m glad I’m working through it, but it’s super difficult. It’s why I’m trying to justify that I have to cut off all my favorite snacks. It took a lot to cut off fast food and soda, to the point I rarely eat it and not instantly over do it.

Like I get the whole “eat in moderation” but it’s not that simple for me, personally. I could go on and talk about my shame of eating out the trash because I hate seeing food go to waste. I could talk about how I used to sneak in the middle of the night to eat cheese and ice, so nobody could judge me. I did a lot of things that I’m not proud of because of my very complicated and hateful relationship with food. It truly reflects how much shame and anger I have towards myself.

So, when you (friends) do encourage me that I don’t have to stop eating treats (like ice cream and chocolate), I’m very grateful. But there’s some things that doesn’t work for everyone. I can’t really do extensive meal prep because I constantly change my mind about food. So I’m glad I found a way around that. Yet, I have to admit that I have no choice but to cut out all types of treats until I have better control of my ED.

Maybe in the future I can slowly return those items in my diet. But currently it would be for the better I don’t. For goodness sake, I would have symptoms of withdrawal if I don’t have some form of sugary “snack”.

I even posted how overjoyed I was that I finally got cinnamon rolls because I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t get any type of treat soon. That’s not a good sign. I also mentioned that I have a hard time of stopping when I start. None of these things are healthy or normal.

It’s gonna be a challenge but I’m gonna have to suffer through withdrawal for a couple of months before I can even think about adding something back into my diet. I have no choice but to quit cold turkey if I want to improve. But it’s an addiction that I need to get through if I’m to get any better.

Is it black and white thinking? Yes. But there’s something’s that requires such thought process. Especially when I’ve tried doing moderation and it’s not working, for me.