My horrible emotions this past few days has made me gain 5 lbs. I’m close to not caring the rest of the month. But I can’t do that to myself. I gotta at least go from 244 to 240 by December 31th. At least close to 240. I’m not mad or disappointed, because I know exactly how I got here.

Just gotta stay focused on the goal and not give in to cravings so easily. But IM SO DAMN BORED!

…

Side note: it took 4 days to go from 239.6 to 244. 😬
I’m clearly not doing so good emotionally. So… gotta get that back in order.

…

I typically don’t add my weight gain into the calorie tracker app. But I need a reminder everywhere that I made a mistake and this is what happened when I do. It’s kinda like I’m shaming myself, but in a positive manner.

I don’t feel guilty or horrible that I gain the weight. But I do feel irritated that all my hard work on learning better coping skills went out the window after surgery.

I’m not irritated that I wasn’t strong enough. I’m irritated that I haven’t fully developed my new healthy habits. That I still have a long way to go before my years of autopilot is gone.

Since after the surgery I went back to my autopilot behaviors. From the cravings to the panic attacks, and even my emotions were everywhere. Sure, I’m on emotion regulation medication, but my emotions were still a mess. It was even a struggle to keep myself from getting depressed.

But since I’m finally in the clear to build back up to my new normal, I’m excited. Today I’m going for a short walk, that isn’t appointment related. My one form of positive coping skill! I’ll finally get to get back outside and just enjoy my surroundings, along with breathing in fresh air.

I always had the ability to stand in the front porch for some sun during the first 3 weeks of recovery. But because of how I been in autopilot habits, all sense went out the window. I kinda feel ashamed how all my hard work and planning left me the moment I returned from surgery.

Which gives me a sense of dread of how I’ll be when I finally get top surgery. It makes me question if all my progress will fall apart again.

Either way, I need to put myself together and make enough progress that I lose 3 pounds by the end of the month. 3 pounds seems like a reasonable goal to accomplish after such a stressful period.