Besides my perfectionism holding me back, I’m starting to think that my fear of injury is also making it difficult to make any progress in my health journey. Especially since I’m constantly convincing myself I’m not ready for something because I could get hurt if done wrong.

It’s even more apparent since I’m doing this on my own, and struggle to ask other gym goers for help and/or advice. Which is something I should really improve on working on.

It doesn’t help that I have plateaued with walking, and is why I’m been adding a lot of other workouts to my routine. From kickboxing, yoga, core, upper body and full body strength training, treadmill. But there’s also the feeling I get when I do certain exercises.

Both running and jumping jacks have always been an issue for me. Not because of the difficulty. But all due to my flesh bags I call a chest. They’re a huge hazard whenever I workout. From their large weight hitting my chest when I run or jump. Getting in my arms’ way when I lift or make any motion.

I don’t understand how anyone with a large chest is able to successfully workout without being feeling discomfort from the body part. I’m so tired of this nonsense. Which is making wish 2026 would hurry up and get it. I want to get top surgery over with.

Perhaps, not just my fear of injury is what’s causing me mental setbacks, but also my body dysphasia over my chest. I don’t feel like me with this hunk of extra fat* attached to me. At that, compared to just losing weight, these balloons aren’t gonna go away.

These things will still send me into a spiral of despair and anger regarding of my weight. Which pisses me off even more. I applause females who enjoy their chest, and those who seek enlarging theirs. But I want to throw mine in the trash already.

It’s not just affecting my mental health but also my physical health. From my self confidence to how I take care of myself, it doesn’t feel natural. This stupid meat suit has an addition I didn’t ask for, and it enrages me.