A part of me wants to start something but the other part is calling it a waste of time. Like trying to wait for everything to line up but then when I get there will I still make excuses that it’s not perfect enough. One of those things of being a traumatized perfectionist.

I can’t simply say “perfectionist” without pointing out where this mindset comes from. The fear of failure and not being good enough stems, personally, due to my upbringing. For goodness sake it takes me what feels like forever to make a decision. At that, I constantly contemplate if it’s the right choice.

And as I’m going through the hoarding support group, it ties a lot of my issues together. My hoarding is a physical manifestation of how I am internally. From the fact I feel empty to the fear of making the wrong decision. There’s also where my lack of impulse control tends to gravitate towards. Such as shopping.

As hyper aware of how I attempt to present to the outer world, internal I’m an absolute mess. I’m grateful that I have gone through therapy, under my choice. Along with being able to do so without fear of repercussions from family. I’m glad I finally gotten a chance to self analyze myself and practice all the concepts that I know.

I’m especially proud of myself for quitting alcohol to truly face my problems head on. Because something I notice is that all the skills I learned to care for others, as a way to keep myself safe, actually can be used to care for myself. Which is a strange concept.

Sometimes I do wonder where I’ll be if I didn’t break the cycle I was stuck in. Probably be a worse alcoholic, if I somehow managed to not be 6 feet under. But I’m at least thankful to have the chance to face myself.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to take the next leap in faith without worrying if I’m jumping off a cliff.