Don’t get me wrong, I have very hyped games on my switch but my switch is just for my chill games. Nintendo has always been my gamer version of a good book. The sit down and vibe. Sometimes it’s the stand up and play, along with family competition.

But my main baby, aka my wife, has always been my PlayStation. The I’m gonna forget the world around me and really deep dive into whatever life I want. It’s so important to me because it’s the only safe place I can express and explore myself without real life consequences.

I can let out my emotions. I can problem solve as much as I want without the stress of failure. I can literally be anything and I don’t feel so closed up. At that, it’s the only place I felt any form of community when I had no where else to go.

Even though I’m a single player type gamers, when I do play co-op with friends everything feels so much better. That’s especially true when I used to play mtg (with ex-friends). We would be so caught up in the game that we would feel like different people and not hold back in expressing ourselves. We simply would enjoy the moment of gaming and nothing else.

I guess that’s something that D&D is all about. I may have played two sessions with two different groups, and had an amazing time. But due to my anxiety of speaking and reaching out, I don’t know who to turn to about becoming gaming buddies. There is the notion on how I attempt to write my blogs, along with making written comments on other social media platforms. But as openly expressing I sometimes come across, I’m also extremely reserved due to my history of repression.

I have thought about doing video like content, such as TikTok and YouTube. But again my anxiety and over analyzing the possible outcomes I would like to portray tends to stop me from making any sort of decision. In the past I have done art videos of my traditional works and was very proud of them. I even shared time lapse of my digital works. Yet, my current living conditions makes these type of content no consistent. Not just because my environment makes it difficult but also the fluctuations of my mood and energy levels.

It’s kind of why I look forward to finally having my own place. For instance, I can video journal my growth on being on my own for the first time, and learning more about myself. Along with also having the ability to do activities, like voiceovers and/or just acting silly, all because my anxiety and trauma over having to constantly worry about the people I live with. Soon I will no longer have to worry about someone overhearing my conversation, or trying to be as quiet as possible when needing something from the kitchen. Soon I would be able to go to sleep without worrying about the fact someone is still awake in the next room.

Eventually I would have the space to simply explore me and hopefully start dealing with issues I never felt free to handle. For example the fact I am repressed. I did grow up in a catholic household. So, there’s a lot of concepts that are causing me multitudes of issues. Even after finally moving forward in my transition, especially once I accepted what I was, there’s still lot to unpack. Besides the religious repression, the sexual harassment and assault, the grooming like behaviors of family members, the sexism role I had to portray due to my assigned gender, and even the toxicity of people in my life. There’s just so much to break down that it’s overwhelming. Hence why I been trying to wait till I had my apartment before returning to therapy.

And while dealing with my housing situation, especially last month, I wasn’t fully able to celebrate my birthday. I had a choice between putting money aside for deposit because the programs that do help with that were currently unreliable. That’s mostly due to their priority list, on top of limited funding. So, when I got my refund, a week after my birthday, I finally allowed myself to try to celebrate my birthday. I even bought art supplies that I been craving for, a new video game, and I even allowed myself to try out a new tea flavor.

But now, I’m going through trying to not regret that I spent money to make up for the lack of birthday celebration, all because I’m dealing with potentially being short on deposit for an apartment. When I learned that I wasn’t able to get the first place I became painfully sober. It was so bad that walking through a parking lot, to go to the grocery store, all I noticed was the sign for the liquor store. At that, I was so out of it that I almost got hit by a car.

I do not handle intense emotions very well. And after that event it was a struggle to stay okay. All because I still had my sisters’ voices in my head telling me that I shouldn’t get upset. I struggle heavily with constantly telling myself I shouldn’t feel something because that’s all I know. It’s how I survive for so long. The “I shouldn’t feel mad”, “I shouldn’t feel sad.” Constantly fighting myself emotions because the only acceptable response was always “be happy”, “be grateful”, “let it go”. My whole life my family have conditioned me that my emotions and thoughts are wrong and that I shouldn’t feel them.

So when I took the chance to buy a new video game, instead of just collecting the free PlayStation plus games, I was very excited to play it. It’s then that I remembered why I haven’t turned on my PS4 for so long. But I progressed and just played. My system at least still works. And it’s then that my thoughts clicked again. My one and safe place to feel without worrying. For such a long time I had been denying myself my safe place.

Gaming has always been my coping mechanism when everything else fails. There’s so much pain I can write before I can’t breathe. There’s so much I can draw and paint before I can’t feel. I get burnt out so easily and so my body of work becomes empty voids. There’s so much I can do before staring at a blank sheet is all I have left because all I can do is feel and my body goes numb.

Yet with gaming I’m not creating. The world has already been made. The rules are very clear. All that’s left is to get lost in the story that this world has to offer. When I’m upset, angry, sad, happy, or any other emotion the games I play take on so much different personalities. As I play a premade character, I get to experience their lives. And for a brief moment I feel like I’m them. In those moments when they’re angry or sad I can reflect with them. I can express with them. In that sense neither of us are alone in our emotions. The only difference is that we’re feeling our emotions for different reasons.

And when it’s a game I can customize my character, it’s feels so incredibly liberating. Because in that moment there’s no expectations, there’s no one telling you that you can’t be something other than yourself. In that moment you have the power to be anything your heart desires. All you have is a base form and from there you can do anything and everything. Especially when you’re able to pick your own name. It feels like magic every single time. Kind of why people take forever creating their characters. We want them to be absolutely perfect. And “perfect” is only defined by what we perceive as perfection.