Some reason I feel my first aid supplies is lacking. Along with over the counter medicine.

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OTC: pain relief (off brand Tylenol), nasel relief (allergy nose pump), theraflu.

First aid: anitiseptic cleaning spray, 3% hydrogen peroxide (spray), 70% isopropyl alcohol (rubbing alcohol), ice cold analgesic gel (menthol 1.25%)[like iceyhot but not], 50 spf sunscreen, alcohol prep pads, antibacterial wet wipes, rolled gauze (a decent sized box full), band aids, surgical transparent tape, 2 cleaning syringes (the ones given to me when I got my wisdom teeth removed and I didn’t use).

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Like I’m very proud of myself for even being able to accumulate these first aid supplies but I feel like I’m lacking. I feel like I’m missing something, like Vicks and allergy pills. Even liquid cold and flu medicine. Not to mention second skin tape and compression bandages.

It just feels like I’m under prepared. Even my alternative medication seems underwhelming. I have my few tea options, a few candles. I’m missing an air purifier and an essential oil diffuser. Besides that, I simply don’t feel like I have enough.

When leaving NY I practically left a lot of things and I feel so empty. Granted, I in essence have a lot of things already but to me it doesn’t FEEL that way.

I only have 2 small battery powered flashlights. I’m thankful I do have a number of packs of matches, and my one good lighter (it’s kinda mini blowtorch). But it doesn’t feel enough. I miss my readily able emergency things. Key word “things”.

And the more I’m talking about this the more I see things that lead to my collecting* dilemma. I want to also be prepared because I’m the only person who takes care of myself.

Today’s conversation with my case manager really hit a nerve I wasn’t expecting. She mentioned how I seem to have such a negative thinking about something that in truth very positive. And a lot of this is what’s effecting how I interact with the world. It’s very difficult to let go of a coping skill that helped me survive my whole life. Especially when it gets in the way of improving my life.

I’m so stuck in the past that I’m not appreciating the now. At least, that’s how I understood what she told me. Especially since she’s conflicted on if she’s helping or not.

Something I came to realize during our session was that I struggle with goals. And when I brought up how I been watching YouTubers talk about over consumption, it brought to light that I also am the kind who finds joy in instant gratification. Just that the way I get it isn’t as obvious at times.

Something I told her that had her bring up my negative outlook was that “I hate when people tell me how self aware I am. I hate it because I didn’t choose this. I was forced to learn it to survive.” In her words, I’m talking positive and seeing it as a negative because of what I’ve gone through. It really sucks.

I’m glad I’m taking the hoarding support group. I really don’t want to get to a point where I lose complete control. Plus, I’m scared to finally seek out exposure therapy. But I might have to. Especially since I’m constantly comparing the past to now. And I simply am struggling to let go of what doesn’t serve me.