After a night that had me spiraling to where my “unaliving” thoughts were strong, I’m slowly recovering today. Last night was so bad that I didn’t take my mood stabilizer (meds) because not only did I forget but also I have a very horrible history with medication.

And today I slowly been unraveling a few things about myself. Which led to this bit of grateful bliss:

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Something I’m enjoying about my transition, even though mentally I’m in a very difficult state, is that I’m reclaiming ownership of my body. Which is something I never felt I had. So seeing all the little changes and eventually surgery is exciting because I slowly am seeing Me.

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From last night and this morning having a breakdown of how my childhood trauma affects me to this day. Like how my family would have me cut my hair because they* didn’t want to deal with it. How I was spent to live with my biological mother because they* didn’t want to put up with me. Constantly being given to other family members so they* didn’t have to deal with me.

Just the constant reminder I was unwanted. These actions forcing me to care for myself because nobody else would do it. Especially when I was just a child who didn’t know anything but was expected to know everything.

During my last session with my case manager I finally spoke up about something that I have difficulty discussing. Especially since I have mentioned before that how I am in public is nothing like I am behind closed doors. Along with I hate when people “complement” how self aware I am. I have such a negative feeling towards that because this isn’t something that I enjoy. Since I had to be self aware for my own safety growing up.

Which brought out how we’re (case manager and myself) are going to try to work on changing my mindset from seeing positive things as negative. Especially since these “positive” things about me, I have such a negative outlook about them because of past.

The thing I finally said out loud was that I have suffer from imposter syndrome. To actually tell someone is very difficult for me. Especially since this month I feel so emotionally open and vulnerable since I decided to admit to have a small memorial moment for my grandparents. After all, I finally have my own place and I felt I had enough emotional space to grieve, along with celebrate, the people who were the only ones to give me unconditional love. And that open a wound I’m still not ready to address, but I have to.

I also brought up how many times I have thought about doing exposure therapy, but I’m just so scared. I’m exactly frightened over the things I’m going to have get over. Not because I have to, but because every time I do have moments when I naturally recall these things I have a server breakdown to where I go numb. And when I go numb I end up hurting myself. Like when I talked my way into getting prescription medications so I could commit unaliving myself. Or how I would wake the next day with burn marks on my arm.

For goodness sake, I’m trying to keep it together long enough to write this post. But I’m shaking and crying, and also just want to throw my phone. Not to mention the thoughts of wanting to break and burn everything I own is so strong. Because what’s the point. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t even deserve to live!

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I originally was going to make a small post about something I am grateful for realizing and then make a frappe. But ended up having a whole meltdown. At least I’m speaking about it, instead of doing nothing to the point I become numb.

When I tell my case manager about this she’s sure to congratulate me on using the skills we been working on. But deep down it doesn’t matter to me because of deep my negative feelings towards myself is.

For goodness sake, I’m in a mindfulness skill building group and even a hoarding support group. I at one point joined an emotional support group. But through all of it I feel like an imposter. I feel like I shouldn’t be doing any of it because my issues aren’t worth taking resources from someone else who has it much worse.

And as I write this, I see that I keep repeating the same pattern. I’m attempting to be positive but then quickly my negative thoughts come rushing in to remind myself my family was right and that I have it better than others, so my problems aren’t worth it. I’m not worth the effort or resources. That same logic makes it seem that I’m not even worthy of being alive.

I’m trying so hard to heal from that mindset. And it’s terrifying to seek help, while also trying to be honest with people whose job to help me. It’s like how I’ll give everything a 5 star rating because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, even if I feel completely different about my experience.

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Hopefully me blogging these things will show my future self how far I came from. And if it helps others in similar circumstances, that’s a nice bonus to share that they’re not alone.

I’m gonna continue trying my best to be the adult I wish I had growing up.